Chaos Theory
by KFawkes
Summary: Commander Jane Shepard and the Normandy crew hunts the galaxy searching for rogue Spectre Saren Arterius. You'd think that the end of the world would be a bit more distracting than her new turian companion...
1. Modest Doubt is a Beacon to the Wise

I do not own any of these themes. All themes, characters, locations, etc are owned by Bioware. Purely fan fiction, and stuff I wish happened alongside the original tale one ME1. Hoping to make this a long series through the end of ME3.

THANKS! 3

CH 1

Modest Doubt is Called the Beacon to the Wise

Shepard wasn't like most military officials. For one, she wasn't interested in politics. She really did not like them. Some would go as far to say she even hated them. So when Shepard revived news that she would have to meet with the Council upon her arrival to the Citadel last week, she felt an annoying itch. Shepard didn't let this show on her face however. Just because she disliked politics, didn't mean she wasn't used to dealing with politicians. Her first meeting with the Council was pretty straight forward, she was to assist a turian names Nihlus on a mission down on Eden Prime. Easy. Oh, but Nihlus is a spectre and he's watching you because you are now a spectre candidate- no pressure or anything.

Just a few days ago she was XO to Captain David Anderson… She was meeting the Council for the first time… Now she was in the Normandy Med Bay, head filled with messages she couldn't read, and the worst headache of the century. To top it off she now had two spectres on her hands; both of which offered their own flavor of disappointment. Shepard was pinned firmly in the middle. She didn't want to think about any of that though, because she didn't even understand most of what was going on. The message she received had been fractured and she could only make out bits and pieces. Making sense of anything grew increasingly harder with the pounding at her temples growing. How would she explain how Nihlus had ended up dead and that one of their spectres had been the one to pull the trigger.

"How long was I out?" She asked, a slight rasp to her voice she sure was confused.

"About 15 hours. You had us worried there, Commander. Are you alright?" replied Dr. Chakwas with light concern in her voice as she stepped closer to her.

With a nod from Shepard the doctor proceeded to inspect her newly alert patient. After Chakwas was satisfied she allowed Kaiden to enter the room.

 _Oh yeah, Kaidan. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed him out of the way…_ Shepard toyed with the idea, but both versions of herself knew there was one thing Jane Shepard always did; save the civilian. Not so much civilian in this particular case, but all in all it meant the same to her. Her main goal at all times was to ensure the safety of those involved. If that meant she would take the full force of some unknown Prothean beacon to the face, so be it.

If her actions would mean the safety of her team, you damn well believe she'd do whatever it took. Nobility aside, that didn't mean she couldn't joke about it from time to time though. She immediately saw the regret in her crew members face. Of course he felt responsible for the beacon, how couldn't he? After all he was the one who got too close and forced Shepard's hand. They had been working together for a few weeks, and Kaidan admired her immensely. Shepard was a good soldier and an excellent leader. Following her orders was easy.

"Don't blame yourself, Kaidan. You did your best and theres no way we could have known that would happened." She said with a slightly too sweet smile in attempts to reassure him.

Shepard caught the smile he had given her in return… She should know better than to let that sweet smile slip to someone she worked with, especially someone like Kaidan. She could tell from their time together that he was the sensitive type. Shepard had been there and done that. Even having been marked for "fraternizing" early in her career- before Elysium… A few times was enough. She wasn't about to do it again. Probably.

It was time to go back to the Citadel to fill everyone in on the mess of Eden Prime. During the trip Shepard's mind trailed. She wasn't oblivious to the effects she had on those around her, but she didn't let that get between her and her duty. Actually she never let romance get between her and the greater good.

Shepard had always been well liked, and enjoyed the company of men and women the same. But Shepard never really had what you'd call a real relationship. Yeah, she dated people, but nothing lasted longer than a year and that was if she was lucky. Shepard never let anyone get close enough to get inside her heart. She couldn't bring herself to give herself to anyone… Not with her restlessness.

Not with her past…Usually she really did like whoever she was trying to be with. Eventually they'd all leave her though. Trying to be with someone who never opened up wasn't easy and she knew that. But what was the point of it? They'd learn about her past and realize the great Commander Shepard had just too much baggage for any one person to deal with… and they'd leave. So instead of focusing on love, she focused on work. That she was good at. That she could do. Eventually her job just came first. She never put anyone in front of her duty- not even herself.

Shepard returned to the present when they finally reached the Citadel Tower after what seemed like an eternity in the elevator. Two council visits in one week was just too much for her, she had a feeling it wouldn't be her last. Not after what she had seen… What little she could make out from the beacon didn't look good. Shepard stood lost in thought with Kaidan and the woman she picked up back on Eden Prime. Her name was Ashley Williams and she was a gunnery Chief in the Alliance Military. Shepard and Kaidan had found her defending herself in a last stitch effort to survive. Her squad had been wiped out in the monstrous act that took place on the normally peacefully colony.

Thinking back to what they had seen on Eden Prime… How the geth were taking the colonists and impaling them onto these… spikes… When their screams died down what followed couldn't have been real. Except it was. The colonists were mutilated… turned into organic synthetic hybrids. Mechanical puppets that relentlessly attacked. Shepard remembered the emptiness of that colony before their discovery. The colonists bodies were abused and their lives were stolen, turned into husks.

Jane didn't know much about Ashley, but the short amount of time she spent with the soldier let her know she was strong willed, opinionated and could follow orders. Shepard could do without Ashley's snide comments about aliens, but felt that that was a discussion for another time. Not with the day she had ahead of her and the headache that pounded at her temples.

During the final stretch to the Council meeting she overheard a deep flanging from a voice ahead of her. Shepard found herself compelled to speak to the turian that stood between her and her meeting. Jane was tall for a human female considering; she stood 5'8 without shoes and armor and had a lean athletic, but still curvy figure. It took a lot to make her feel intimidated, but she did in this instance. A perk to being Jane Shepard though was that she was incredibly skilled at hiding it. Maybe it was something in the intensity of his gaze, the way he loomed over her like a predator or perhaps it was visor he wore on his left eye. She wasn't sure how she ended up there but there she was, standing there speaking to this turian instead of attending her meeting. One she was already late to.

"Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian…" The turian extended a hand with confidence and ease.

For a split second she wondered how he knew her name, but with a stern face and a light smile she returned the human gesture to the C-Sec officer. After a handshake that lasted a second too long; _surely due to the cultural differences_ \- she sunk into her hip and crossed her arms examining the turian from top to bottom. She found herself looking closely again at the tech he wore on his face, watching the little lines moving along the edge. She wondered what they said and noted the dark blue pattern of his facial tattoos… Garrus had a stipe across his nose, the blue stretched under his eyes with a small break it continued down the side of his mandibles. She remembered learning that those markings had to do with their colony of origin, but she didn't know much more than that.

Garrus immediately felt her examination, and being used to this sort of thing he remained perfectly in control allowing the eyeing to continue. Jane had met many turians before in her time serving for the Alliance, but there was something different about this turian. Something that grabbed her attention.

 _What is it…_ She kept asking herself during their brief encounter.

Garrus filled Shepard in on his intentions. Garrus knew he was dirty, but he was unable to prove it. He had been shut down by his boss, but that didn't stop him from gathering evidence. She found herself studying the way he moved when he spoke, the way his voice would change octaves on certain words. He was quite fascinating…Shepard felt for him, she knew what it was like to be so close to cracking a case only to have it ripped away from you.

"Commander… The council is waiting for us we better get going." Lieutenant Alenko said loudly from behind her, interrupting Garrus mid sentence.

The Commanding Officer didn't acknowledge the intrusion, she really hated to be interrupted. Shepard merely continued looking into those intense blue eyes. She wondered again what kind of information that visor gave him… She could only assume that both Ashley and Kaidan were annoyed by her obvious lateness and unwillingness to break away even when being reminded. Shepard wasn't concerned with that though, she still felt that almost numbing throb and she had a feeling collecting allies would benefit her in the long run.

"It's been a pleasure talking to you, Officer Vakarian." With a light yet firm pat on the shoulder as she passed the turian he let a "Good luck." part his lips as he watched the human walk away.

He couldn't help but feel defeated after being told that his investigation was going no where, but a glimmer of hope sprung inside him after speaking to the Commander. Something told him she wasn't going to let this bastard slip by her, and knowing that made the sting of failure hurt a little less.

Shepard's meeting with the Council ended just about as fast as it started, with a swift dismissal of Shepard's allegations against Saren. The council couldn't see how she was drawing these connections, and therefor the allegations were were just that. It was a shame that Nihlus was killed in action, but to suggest that Saren had been involved was just ludicrous.

Unsurprisingly, Saren was granted immunity by the Council and Shepard's claims were dismissed. She had no proof. Without proof, her words were just words and her 'visions' were just dreams. Maybe she should have left the part out about the beacons giving her a memory, or maybe premonition of what was to come.

Yeah, probably should have left that part out… Seeing that she couldn't reason with them further Shepard opted out of an argument and decided sometimes it was best to keep her mouth shut.

'An argument for another day' her father said in the back of her mind, hidden between the thumping in her skull.

Even with a headache she was a force to be reckoned with. Anderson was one of the few people who knew that, and he wasn't about to let a little council business get in the way of their discovery.

"I met a turian on my way here, he's a C-Sec officer… Garrus Vakarian. I bet he could be of some use here, he seems to have quite a history with Saren." Shepard didn't fail to notice the sign from her crew as she spoke his name, but like usual she paid no attention.

Shepard was instructed by Anderson to meet with a washed up C-Sec officer named Harkin. Her chat with him in Chora's Den felt a lot like a game, one she didn't have the patience to play. Ultimately, she got the information she needed. The shuttle to the Medical Center was awkward, and silent. Shepard didn't really need them to be all buddy-buddy, after all she was in charge here and the lines between friend and commanding officer can blur pretty easily. But would it really hurt if they could just joke around a bit or I don't know… talked about the view?

In the silence of the skycar she found herself thinking back to life before the Alliance. Jane remembered life with her family back on Mindoir. It was a human colony, not unlike Eden Prime—actually Eden Prime reminded her a lot of home, but she didn't like thinking about that. When she was 16, Batarian slavers attacked her colony and murdered everyone she ever knew. This was another thing she didn't like thinking about. After Mindoir Shepard lived on the streets until she was old enough to enlist. During those two years she learned a lot…

Shepard never realized how sheltered she had been with her family. She had no idea how to be a person, and the area she wound up in was terrible. Shepard made money by running odd jobs, mostly small deliveries or pickups and sometimes the occasional thieving job if she was really desperate. She only did what she had to do to survive, and maybe that's why she tried so hard now… Shepard thought back to how different her life was then. She could still remember the smell of her family home the distant memories of her long lost family. The slums of the city she wound up in. The smell of factories and smog she didn't remember so fondly, came back to her as if she was still there. Somehow all of her good memories with her parents were always overshadowed by the bad ones after the attack.

Shepard's focus returned to the cab when it landed and announced their arrival in the Wards. One by one they piled out of the skycar and immediately heard loud voices and banging from what seemed to be the Medical Clinic.

"Of course." A heavy breath released from her dark pink lips and a quick jog to the doors confirmed her suspicions.

Inside was a small woman being held from behind around the neck by an armed man. Shepard scanned the location and saw there were 3 other men in the area. A flicker of blue teased her peripheral; It was Garrus. He was ducked down behind cover and it was clear that no one knew of his presence. This struck her as rather odd considering he was well over 6'5" and turians weren't exactly known for being sneaky.

The attackers did however notice Shepard and her team entering the clinic and reacted to the change in scenery. Before Jane could even pull her gun out, Garrus had taken his shot. A single bullet flew into the assailants head- the perfect headshot zoomed merely inches from the doctor. The rest of the fight played out as you'd imagine. The men were no match for Shepard or her two Alliance officials and were eliminated with ease. The turian however didn't bother to help deal with the rest of the mob. He was busy tending to the doctor who sat on the ground in a weak ball of tears, gasping and trying to figure out what had happened. Shepard approached the two of them and Garrus stood up with what seemed like excitement in his face.

She wasn't a stranger to turians but she sure didn't know how to read their emotions very well. Garrus proceeded to thank her for the distraction that allowed him his perfect shot. In an instant she didn't know what came ever her, she closed the formal gap between them and stood up as tall as she could, gazing deep into his piercing blue eyes. She gave him the intimidating gaze she had perfected and pointed up at him before speaking.

"Never EVER do that again. You not only jeopardize my mission but you endanger the lives of innocents around you." The weight of her words hit him hard in the chest.

Garrus was pretty proud of the shot he'd made; the only casualties were those on the wrong side of the fight. The criminal was defeated and thats all that mattered to him. He could see and hear that she didn't feel the same. That and she really wasn't impressed.

"I… Yes, ma'am. You're right, I… Dr. Michel, are you alright?" He replied quick and determined.

After a moment she leaned down a bit, smiled a light smile and hit him in the side of the arm. She couldn't help but find his awkwardness endearing.

"Hey, no harm no foul, Vakarian." With a twist of her hip she turned towards the doctor and with immediate control and began asking her what had happened.

Dr. Michel told them about a wounded Quarian she had seen recently. Apparently this quarian had evidence against Saren. This was information they just couldn't pass up and in a fluid motion she turned to her team and dismissed Kaidan.

"Uhm, Commander. Excuse me saying so, but we still have to go find this Quarian, and take down this Fist guy and who knows what that is going to stir up. I think it would be best if I were to remain with you as long as you're on the Citadel." Kaidan let out " … Ma'am"

The look Shepard gave him was one of pure amusement and annoyance. Garrus was a little better at reading human emotions than Shepard had been at reading turians. His days at C-Sec had taught him a thing or two about humans facial expressions. Garrus was by no means an expert, but he considered himself pretty good at reading them. Ashley looked at her feet and Kaidan's mouth tightened. He stood a little straighter and it even seemed like he was holding his breath.

"Your complaint has been noted, Lieutenant Alenko. I will see you on board the Normandy in a few hours, we have some loose ends to tie up." Shepard said to him sternly.

 _Humans and their idioms._

Garrus had been familiar with some human sayings, he noticed Executor Pallin, and other turians in his section using them from time to time. Shepard turned to face Garrus and gestured her arm towards herself in a motion to follow. A look of surprise sprung on their faces at the invitation of their new friend.

"Welcome to the team, Garrus. Lets get this son of a bitch." Her voice was somehow soft and also strong, as a light smile parted her lips.

Along their walk back to the cab Garrus noticed Kaidan walk off in a pace that was just above appropriate. Garrus had read Kaidan's body temperature change in the Med Clinic. He saw the rise in his pulse as the information trickled across his visor. The urgency of his walk was something that they all must have picked up on, and it hung a heaviness while they waited in silence.

If Shepard had noticed though, she didn't react. Garrus thought about how Kaidan's arguing would have been considered inappropriate in the turian military but he couldn't help but laugh to himself at the biotic's expense. It was kind of funny to see him get shot down.

"Chora's Den. I've had my fair share of run in's with the types of individuals that … socialize there, Commander." Garrus offered with a smooth purr while they waited for a cab.

Garrus noticed that the dark haired woman- _Ashlyn… no Ashley_ … that accompanied them didn't speak much and merely stared at him with a look of distrust in her eyes. Garrus knew that look all too well. Being in C-Sec had its highs, yes. But it also had its fair share of lows. One was the look humans gave him. The look Ashley was giving him. Or was that look something else entirely? He didn't want to think about it right then he already was feeling a little overwhelmed. Things weren't exactly perfect between the humans and the turians. There was still a lot of animosity between the two races since the First Contact War. Garrus finally had a break in his thoughts when that soft but strong voice spoke.

"Yeah, well. I've heard the dancers are pretty great at least." She said with a quick laugh nudging Ashley as the Skycar landed in front of them.

The ride was just as quiet as their wait and Garrus found himself sitting in the back next to the brunette chief, _Ashley_. He could feel her discomfort and her inching further away from him in hopes of not touching her new temporary crew member. If Jane was uncomfortable he couldn't tell. She held herself well and he couldn't help but find himself studying her. Finding himself wanting to ask immediately why he was there. Why did she send the human Lieutenant away and opt to bring some alien she just met instead? Here he was sitting with two humans and a Volus in a slow moving skycar heading to their next destination.

"You know, we probably should have just walked there." Shepard let out after a minute and both Ashley and Garrus let out a small chuckle realizing the distance they covered was so small they really should have walked.

It surprised Garrus at how she could be so clever and relaxed- yet still have that air about her that demanded respect. How could such a small human woman radiate such confidence and dominance… and also be so… likable. His thoughts were interrupted again as they exited the cab and approached the shady gentleman's club. Right as Ashley was about to speak to Garrus, their light hearted chuckle from a few moments ago was replaced with loud burst of gunshots echoing around them. In a panic the three of them ducked down to find cover and began shouting to each other over the commotion.

"4 men. Could this have to do with Saren, ma'am? Or is this about Fist?" Ashley noted while looking over the ledge of the walk way and peering into enemy territory.

Garrus found himself second guessing her first assessment and lifted his head to recount. Ashley was right, there were 4 men and they were't letting up. It was pretty pathetic actually, they had been wasting all their bullets shooting at absolutely nothing.

"Vakarian, I want you on my 6. Williams, you flank them on the right. Go, go, go."

Just as fast as her orders were barked out she stood and threw herself over the ledge popping out a few rounds into the first thug. He dropped. Ducking again she took a peak over at her crew members and noticed the hawk like gaze Garrus had as he peered through the scope of his sniper rifle from a distance. The remaining three thugs were on the far side of the clubs entrance out of site. The gunshots stopped, no doubt they ran out of bullets. Shepard gave a hand gesture that signified her moving forward and further trusting her new ally with the task of watching her back. The immediate trust she had given him was a little jarring and he honestly couldn't tell if all humans were like this or just this one. Something about the way that Williams looked at him told him it was the latter.

During Shepard's trek to the clubs entrance Garrus held his face to the scope watching that red hair in perfect view, simultaneously Chief Williams snuck to the right as instructed. Just as Shepard reached the remaining three men a close combat fight broke out. Ashley was behind them ready to flank when one of the men elbowed her in the nose. She turned, but not fast enough and the thug grabbed her- throwing her face first into one of the cement slabs encasing the walkway. Williams was out.

POP.

Garrus shot the man attempting to finish off Williams. The 2 men left standing turned their attention fully to Shepard the first man attempted to shoot her, but with a swift kick the gun went flying out of his hand and down into the traffic hole below. The side of her hand jabbed his throat and he heaved over gasping. With both hands she grabbed the second mans head and with force kneed him in the face. Using the gasping thug as leverage she kicked off him knocking him onto the ground. Garrus was trying his best to line up a shot but with all the movement he didn't want to risk hurting Shepard. For a moment he found himself getting lost while watching her effortless fighting. Her timed blocks and counter attacks were more like a dance than brawling.

Shepard jabbed the second man in the gut and then upper cut him in the nose with her palm. As Garrus watched her, he didn't imagine she really needed his help for some reason. He had the distinct feeling that she knew exactly what she was doing. The dance he watched seemed to be one she had been practicing since she was a child. She was flawless. Shepard spun swinging her elbow into one of their faces, dipping down, snapping her leg out below she tripped the second one. With a fluid motion her omni-bade retracted and she impaled the man on the floor. His blood spilled as she retracted it, the orange haze fading to black.

Shepard leaned up breathing heavily, chest rising and falling she placed her fallen gun on her back. In that instant she felt the breeze and snap of a bullet zoom past her, right into the second and final thug behind her. With a quick glance over her shoulder then back to him, she smiled and nodded.

After helping Ashley recover with some medi-gel they inspected the dead bodies around them- Fist's men. Her initial thought was to call Captain Anderson or even C-Sec to inform them of the attack on their position. This was the Citadel, and not some back alley of Omega or the streets she lived on. Shepard already was under the watchful eye of the Council and given the circumstances she felt it was best to at least wait on the call until she had something solid to go on. _Proof._ Plus, someone else was bound to report the gunshots so they had to move quick.

Shepard had no idea what waited for them on the other side of the clubs entrance. A few silent hand gestures later and the team entered the club putting down assailant after assailant making their way towards the back office; heading deeper into the bowels of Chora's Den. The place looked different and it wasn't just because of the blood that spattered the walls or tiny bullet holes decorating every surface.

Without its customers or asari dancers strung around the club, Chora's Den somehow managed to look even more gaudy and run-down. It reminded her again of her time on the streets. The flashing lights, the booming of the techno… The females subjecting themselves to gropes and profanity. Everything that happened to her on Mindoir… The life she made after. It gave her a certain edge.

Seeing these things at such a influential age had taught her something about human nature. Watching idly, frozen in fear as your family was murdered in front of you- did something to you. Seeing people vulnerable and desperate, or being desperate yourself taught lessons that were otherwise impossible to learn.

Finally they were met with the man himself. Fist. He was short and not by any means intimidating. It was still known however that he had some sort of power regardless of what his physical appearance might suggest. Before Shepard even had time to think about whether she would have to charm or beat her way into getting information, he was already dead. The 3 of them turned around faster than Fist's body fell, seeing a krogan with large scars running down the right side of his face.

"What the hell was that about!" Shepard spat as she lunged towards him, throwing another finger out angrily.

This action surprised both of her crew members and Garrus wondered if Shepard had ever actually met a krogan before.

"I needed him alive. I am getting really damn tired of everyone getting between me and my job." Shepard was nearly yelling at the krogan, standing as near to eye to eye as possible given the size differences. It still surprised Garrus that she showed such courage and not a hint of fear. The krogan let out a grunt and then began to laugh.

 _Oh this aught to be good…._


	2. There is no Darkness but Ignorance

CH 2

I Say there is no Darkness but Ignorance

"You don't need him. I found the Quarian." The krogan stared down his nose at Shepard after a nod behind him towards the door. Shepard didn't have long to think, a sharp breath released from Shepard's mouth and she bit her lip analyzing the situation. What choice did she really have? Fist was dead, and this krogan was their only hope at finding the quarian.

"The quarian is dead if we don't go now, Commander." Garrus found him self almost yelling to break her thought process.

Shepard pointed to the door, anger still covering her porcelain freckled face. The krogan immediately began running the way they had entered moments before, scattered around them were the bodies of Fist's men from their fight moments ago. They had overstayed their welcome and reinforcements had entered the club. Guns blazing the four of them pushed their way through the onslaught of thugs making their way to the quarian.

Finally the Krogan yelled "In here!" They were sure to be running out of time.

They all piled through a narrow door and into a back alleyway in the Wards. Surrounded by a mix of Shadow Broker mercs, a lone quarian stood rather defenselessly. Shepard's crew entered with just enough time to see the her slap away the hand of the figure standing in front of her. In that instant guns were drawn and yet another blood bath commenced. Shepard found herself reloading and used this moment to take a look at her new team and to evaluate the unforeseen arrival of the krogan… _friend or foe?_

Shepard began watching Garrus next. He had such determination in his eyes and an unchecked ferocity. She saw how he lined up his shots with precision and focus. She even noticed a slight twitch in his mandibles every time a shot hit is primary target.

Moments passed and she focused on an armored figure making its way towards her. Garrus. She stood quickly, before he could offer a hand. With a nod and a wipe at her armor she walked up to the quarian. Shepard extended a hand and she shook it after a moment of apprehension.

"Shepard." Jane nodded. "Are you okay?"

Shepard couldn't see much beyond the quarians glowing eyes through the fog of her purple mask. She had met a few Quarians but really didn't think there was ever a trick to reading them given their masks. She tried her best to focus instead on body language and tone.

"I can handle myself." The small voice echoed through her mask with an accent.

"Not that I am complaining… Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. Why are you here?"

Shepard shifted her weight and let out a breathless smile.

"Straight to the point, I like it. We're here because we heard you had some information we could use-" Before she could finish Tali interjected.

"Yes… Well, I think it's best to discuss this elsewhere." Another nod and smile later and Shepard lead the way to the Human Embassy office.

Inside stood two men Garrus had never seen before but he could tell by the look of Shepard's expression just before they entered that she did know them. Immediately he understood why she held that look of distain and annoyance. Garrus even noticed Ashley wincing a bit anytime Udina spoke. Ashley didn't seem as in control of her emotions as Shepard's was.

"What am I supposed to do with you? An all out gun fight in the Wards… An assault on Chora's Den… These accusations against Saren. Eden Prime… And what? You bring me…. Who are you? What are you up to, Shepard?" He turned accusingly toward the quarian with a smugness that radiated off him like steam.

This annoyed Garrus terribly, he could feel his heat rising. Garrus had an impulsive nature that he would often indulge whenever this itch came scratching. He never was a good turian. A good turian obeys a bad order. Garrus always had trouble with that one… This was something his father had always reminded him. Garrus didn't know how to keep his emotions out of it, and he didn't have many limits. Especially if those limits meant he couldn't do his job. He knew just how volatile he could be, and that being held down by rules and regulations only made his thirst stronger.

 _Don't._ He reminded himself. _Not even 2 hours ago you let this human scold you, lets not make a habit of this._

"Your day just got a whole lot better, Udina. Tali here has information linking Saren to the geth. Irrefutable evidence." Shepard replied her voice even, and strong.

"During my Pilgrimage I found something… suspicious. The geth haven't ventured far from the Veil since they drove my people into exile, so I was intrigued by the transmission. After tracking the geth to an uncharted world, I was able to disable and remove a memory core from one… Most of it was destroyed but I was able to find something." Tali pulled out her omni-tool and in a bright orange glow a recording began to play.

The room suddenly got heavy and felt darker as the familiar deep flanging of Saren's voice boomed from her device. A chill ran down Shepard's spine but she held her composure, not letting the chill escape her body.

"Eden Prime was a major victory. The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit." A stir of voices and gasps released from the group and finally Anderson spoke before Udina could. Ashley covered her mouth with her hand lightly in attempts to cover her surprise of the transmission.

"That's Saren! Here is our proof, the Council cannot deny this." Anderson shook his head in disbelief.

"What's all this about a Conduit? What do we know about this?" Shepard asked aloud knowing very well no now knew anything.

"Maybe it's… It could be some kind of weapon?" Anderson asked.

He was dressed in Alliance blues and Garrus noticed that Shepard had referred to him as Captain when they entered the room just before. He had also seen that Shepard didn't have the same distaste when interacting with Anderson as she did with the other human, Udina.

"Wait." Tali interjected. "There is more… Saren. He wasn't working alone." She pressed play and a woman's smooth and mysterious voice boomed after Saren's.

"And one step closer to the return of the Reapers." Tali closed the Omni-Tool and another sigh of questioning released the lips of the humans.

Garrus found this odd. He had never never been in a meeting like this… where he was the only turian. He had been to countless meetings at C-Sec, but there weren't many humans… and the stigma of humans still ran deep. The animosity between their races wasn't exactly a secret- it was still pretty strong. Turian customs and regulations were so… different. Garrus noticed that there was a clear line of who was in charge amongst the Alliance officials, but it didn't seem to matter. He'd noted several occasions where humans spoke over each other and even seemed to talk down their noses from time to time.

"What are the Reapers? Are they some new alien species?" Shepard found herself asking stepping back onto the ball of her foot, hand on her hip. Her other hand rested on her chin, brow furrowed deep in thought. It was amazing how expressive human eyebrows could be.

"A myth. The Reapers were a hyper advanced machine race that existed 50,000 years ago. They hunted the Protheans into total extinction and then they vanished… At least that's what the geth believe. I've heard stories… But it's all just that. Stories." Tali ended her voice grew skeptical.

"It all makes sense now…" Shepard broke through the exasperated chatter amongst the humans her voice filling with urgency.

Garrus still watched her. Observing. Seeing everything. Shepard looked up feeling his gaze. She locked eyes with him for a second, and felt her stomach flutter. Everything in him told him to look away, but he couldn't. She kept his gaze and started speaking.

"This is what my dreams have been about... the…" Shepard looked to Udina."The vision on Eden Prime the beacon gave me. It's about the Protheans. It's about the Reapers."

There was enough evidence for Anderson to call another Council meeting. Just like that they were all headed to the Citadel Tower to show the Council how naive they all were. After presenting their new findings, the Council could no longer deny that Saren had been responsible for Nihlus' death. These weren't accusations any longer and they would be forced to act.

Shepard and her team had done what they could, but by now Saren had for sure ran. The Council had basically let him go. Saren had officially gone rogue. The Council had admitted they'd been wrong about Saren. However, getting them to agree that the Reapers were real and that Saren's main goal was to usurer civilization straight into total annihilation was another thing completely.

The Council could believe he was using the myth of the Reapers to rally geth troops for some other unspeakable task. But surly not to bring about the end of the world. The only useful information the Council provided was the identity of the woman's voice speaking to Saren. She was a well established asari Matriarch by the name of Benezia. She was their first clue in tracking Saren's movements and plans.

Garrus watched Shepard as she carefully chose her words and the ways her body moved when she spoke. The more he thought about it the more he realized he may have known the humans that came through C-Sec, but he didn't know the one in front of him. He watched her as she remained calm under pressure, only pressing as far as she knew she could. He could hear the urgency in her voice as she pleaded for them to listen to her warnings.

The Reapers were real…They were coming. They had to believe her. He watched when they dismissed her claims and told her to drop it. The Council would assist in the search for Saren, but she was to focus on him and not the myological Reapers. Garrus hadn't been on Eden Prime with her. He didn't see the beacon, or what it did to her. Seeing it or not, he knew one thing; that he believed her.

The meeting ended unceremoniously with Shepard being named a Council Spectre. She couldn't help but think about how much trouble Spectres have been causing her. Now she could cause herself a few problems with the added bonus of not having to pay for the consequences. Well, at least not legally, she'd have to live with herself afterwards though.

Being a Spectre was a free pass to do whatever the fuck you wanted. You only answered to the Council, and had authority just about everywhere. Lucky though for Jane, she rarely had to go down the kind of path that made her question who she was. It still scared her from time to time to imagine what it would take to truly send her spiraling.

Shepard could charm the pants off of anyone and could sell your own house back to you, all the while making you feel like you're the one getting the deal. It was easier to turn the charm on when she had actual proof to back up her allegations. Yes, she proved that Saren had gone rogue. But she couldn't back up anything else she was claiming. Not yet. Shepard knew just how crazy this all sounded. She knew that saying she had visions from the past was insane and if not for Anderson she would never have mentioned it in the first place. Maybe they'd take her more seriously if they didn't think she was hallucinating or just having nightmares.

Was she? This headache was getting a little unbearable and on more than one occasion she wondered if any of this _was_ real. Some nights when she'd drink just a little too much, or would be just the right amount of sleep deprived during a long mission; she would ask herself if she was just off in a coma somewhere. Hooked up to some life support machine on Mindoir after the attack, only half living… stuck in a dream world with all of her wild adventures. A bullet to the shoulder, the crackle of her shield dropping or a gun barrel to the face quickly grounded her and reminded her that wasn't true though.

When it came time to part ways with Garrus they said their goodbyes and parted. Shepard watch as he walked with the same pride and confidence from earlier in the day. What she couldn't see was the regret building in his face with each step he took away from her. Garrus had done his job. He may have been blocked by Pallin, but ultimately his investigation paid off. They had proved that Saren was in fact a dirty piece of shit. Corrupted. Rotten… and no where to be found. The perfect combination of things to send Garrus over the edge in a fit of vigilante justice.

Garrus was so lost in thought by the annoyance of Saren's escape that he didn't even hear the Shepard calling after him. After a quick jog, a light hand on his shoulder and a wave of her fingers; Shepard had successfully stopped Garrus. Hand still waving in front of the turian she spoke.

"Hello? Uh, Officer Vakarian? Anyone home in there?" It was obviously playful but he was taken back by her approaching him again so soon after their goodbyes.

"I- uh, Yes, Commander Shepard. Excuse me, I was lost in thought."

 _So formal._ She thought. _What's it gonna take to get a smile out of this one? Do… Turians smile?_ Crossing her arms and stepping back onto her right heel she let out a small smirk. "Uh huh."

After another second she continued. "You did great back there." Relaxing a little he nodded and rubbed the side of his neck in an elegant stretch.

"Thank you, Commander." Short and sweet.

Shepard wondered if he was always like this, but something told her he wasn't. She watched him as he stretched ending the fluid motion with his gloved hand on either side of his mandibles. He was lightly rubbing them in long strokes, similar to the way a human would stroke his beard. Shepard realized she was staring again… and that she should stop because staring was likely universally found as rude. Before Garrus had the chance to notice her eyes she shifted them to his armor. Inspecting the sleek blue design of his C-Sec uniform, her head signaled to his back towards his sniper.

"You're a wicked shot, Mr. Vakarian." And there it was.

He smiled. It wasn't quite like anything she'd seen before. Even though she had interacted with lots of turians during her time in the Alliance, she never really spent this much time with one. The flicker of his mandible, the shift of plates on his face, and the ease his blue eyes took let her know she succeeded. It was pretty endearing, and she found herself drawn to him more.

"Well, I can't take all the credit. You did set them up for me." The smooth flanging of his voice let her know he was relaxing, just a bit.

"I could sure use a shot like you onboard the Normandy, Officer. If you're interested, we're leaving first thing in the morning." With a short smile she put her hand out and he shook it again still having not replied to her offer.

"Commander." He nodded and after a second too long their hands parted and she turned jogging back to Ashley, Anderson and the krogan.

Ashley still managed to look uneasy, being surrounded by aliens clearly wasn't how she imagined spending her day. Garrus regarded his temporary crew and watched as Shepard talked to the krogan. She looked stern throughout the next few minutes but ended with a nod and the group of them walking away heading towards the docking bay. But not before she locked eyes with him once more.

Shepard's mind trailed as she escorted her two new crew members, Tali and Wrex to the Normandy. They spoke with Joker for awhile and as usual he was a smart ass. After showing them around and introducing them to the rest of the crew she returned to the crew's quarters. Sitting there in the quiet lasted about 5 seconds until she started fidgeting with her omni-tool. After another minute she huffed and threw herself up from the bed. Shepard had decided she was going to go back to the Citadel and pick up some models to work on. Hell, she's gonna need something to do during all the long boring hours while searching for Saren. As she opened the door she saw Kaidan standing. Obviously surprised that she had opened the door he scratched the back of his head and looked down.

"Lieutenant." She said in her strong yet feminine voice. "Do you need something?"

"Commander. No, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. I know you mentioned having a bit of a headache so I thought I could offer some advice. My implants give me some pretty bad migraines…" He trailed off.

"Sure. What does Dr. Alainko prescribe?" She said with a smile and leaned into her hip.

Kaidan shook a bottle of aspirin at her with a smile handing them over. Not releasing the bottle when she grabbed it, she noticed the lingering and decided she had to move quick. He was fairly charming, but she couldn't afford getting wrapped up in another stress fueled rendezvous. Something told her that Kaidan wasn't the type to sleep around, that getting involved with him would be more work and commitment that she'd want.

"Ah yes, good old fashioned aspirin. Thank you, Lieutenant." After tucking a stray strand of red behind her ear she continued. "Was there something else?" Shepard still stood in the middle of the doorway, she noticed how intently he was watching her.

"About the new crew members… I didn't see the turian. Was he going to be joining us?" Kaidan questioned, when she didn't reply he added "It seems like Tali and Wrex are adjusting. Tali is down in the drive core and I think Wrex said something about being hungry…" Shepard let out a soft laugh at his update and nodded forward towards her destination.

"Officer Vakarian has been made aware of the situation and has been notified on our departure. It is up to him whether or not he decides to join us. Will that be all, Lieutenant?" Shepard ended with a forced smile.

Kaidan was persistent she had to admit. He had those sad puppy dog eyes, and he was kind of cute. It was clear he was interested in her. She wondered if it was actually her he was attracted to or perhaps the power she held. Shepard decided he probably felt some kind of attachment to her because of what they had gone through down on Eden Prime.

Kaidan felt a connection to her. It was hard even for himself to tell what his motives were. Shepard had pushed him out of the way… Maybe even saved him. For that he was thankful, but he felt responsible for letting her take the brunt of it. If he hadn't been so close to the beacon, none of this would have happened. Maybe he even felt a little jealous cause now she was the first human Spectre…

After a second Kaidan swallowed and shook his head "No, Ma'am. I will be down in the Mess Hall if you need me. Congratulations by the way. First human Spectre. Quite the accomplishment." His voice was light and soft as he tried hiding his disappointment.

"Yeah well, It's not like I have anyones shoes to fill. BUT, if I fuck up I get blamed for proving the galaxy right… humans shouldn't be given a chance. We're already a joke to most species out here, and what little respect we do have will be destroyed if I fail…" Realizing the tone she had taken, she straightened up and added "But I don't intend on messing this up, LT."

Luckily Kaidan noticed her shifting her weight impatiently and with that he smiled, turned and left. She couldn't help but let out a sign of relief as she started to approach the Normandy's airlock. She really just wanted to be alone. Stepping outside she made her way to the elevator and when the doors opened she saw Anderson standing.

"Anderson." Shepard's voice was that of surprise, with a nod Anderson stepped out gesturing her to join him overlooking the Normandy.

"Sir?" Shepard asked with a brow lowered in concern feeling the shift in atmosphere.

"You're a council Spectre now, Shepard. The first human ever to be offered this opportunity… Only, that's not the entire truth." Anderson was admiring the Normandy as he spoke. "I should have told you sooner… 20 years ago Saren and I were on a mission. He was accompanying me, watching me if you will— the way Nihlus did for you on your mission to Eden Prime."

"I had no idea." Only that wasn't the truth, she did have a little bit of an idea. During her chat with Harkin he had mentioned it. Shepard had just assumed he was some drunk running his mouth trying to stir up drama among friends, but clearly he was telling the truth.

"Most people don't. That just goes to shows you how much the Council can hide from you. How powerful they are. It shows you just how powerful a man like Saren can be. Even 20 years ago he hated humans, and made sure not to see one alongside him as a Spectre." Anderson dropped his head and let out a long sigh. "I knew he couldn't be trusted and I'm still paying the price." Shepard put a hand on his shoulder, searching for the words to say.

"Anderson. You can't blame yourself for this. Whatever happened between you two was 20 years ago… it doesn't mater now. The Council knows who he is. That's what's important." She gave him a reassuring smile and he quickly straightened.

"I suppose you're right, Shepard." He turned to face her and began again, this time his voice was stronger. "Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I came to give you some good news for a change. You need a ship, and I've got one. Things are changing, and I'll be stepping down as captain of the Normandy. I want you to have her."

Shepard didn't even know what to say at first, she was shocked. The last couple days had been moving way too quickly, she barely had time to process any of it.

"Sir-" But before she could protest he was already shutting her down as if he could read her mind.

"Now, you listen to me, Shepard. No one made me do this. This is the right time. You and I both know it." Anderson's voice was strong, he meant his words.

"Thank you, Anderson. I won't let you down. We'll get this bastard." They both knew that was the truth.

Shepard was a star military example. The pride and joy of the Alliance. She was awarded the Star of Terra for organizing a retaliation against Batarian slavers on Elysium very early in her career… She was a model soldier and a perfect example of what humans needed in this galaxy. She was the ideal candidate for Council Spectre, and Anderson knew she wouldn't disappoint.

Shepard would be the one to find Saren.

Anderson boarded the Normandy to tend to the the ship one last time and inform crew members of the change in command. Shepard started to realize the weight of her new position during her long ride down to C-Sec. She knew then that she was the spokesperson for all humans. The first human Spectre. Shepard was about to embark on a journey that was full of unknowns and infinite possibilities.

Shepard thought about her conversation with Joker before they landed on Eden Prime. He had told her this mission was going to be big. Bigger than any of them thought… in that moment she felt it. Heavy and thick around her she felt it. Something big was coming.

Shepard found herself back on the ship a few hours later. _Her ship,_ she reminded herself. Weird. This all felt so weird. So much can change in just a few days. One thing that didn't change however was the headache she had since Eden Prime. It wasn't as bad as it had been, but it was still there reminding her of its presence. Reminding her of the husks, reminding her of the beacon. Of Saren, the geth and the Reapers. Lugging her boxes of model ships to her usual quarters she realized all of her things had been moved. For a split second she forgot she had been promoted and wondered if this was some kind of prank the crew was pulling.

As if on queue, her new XO entered the room and explained the situation. She was now the Normandy's Commanding Officer. The 'Captain' of the Normandy for all intents and purposes. Shepard scrunched her nose turning around, following Presley down the hall to her new living space. After a brief chat about the new crew members she scanned her new room. Tossing her models on the desk she took in her surroundings.

The room wasn't much bigger than the space she shared with the other female crew members- but this one was private. Not that she cared, Jane had been an only child, and always wished she had a sibling. On the Normandy she felt like she had a home again. She wasn't particularly close with any of the crew, but just having a space she knew she could always come back to was good enough. It was weird for her to imagine the girl she had been on Mindoir… If that girl could see her now…

Shepard wasn't ready to call the space hers yet though. She decided she didn't want to deal with the fact that these had been Anderson's living quarters only hours before. Would she ever get used to this? Would this ever feel normal? Shepard felt as though she was stepping on Anderson's toes. Stealing his ship from right under him. She paced in the room, and the more she thought about it; the more she knew he was right.

Anderson was getting too old to run around and live the life of a Spectre. He really shouldn't be the Captain on a ship where he wasn't needed and wouldn't be calling the shots. He definitely didn't lack the skill or determination, but that wasn't what mattered. The Council needed someone like Shepard.

The Mess Hall was empty and Shepard was glad Kaidan wasn't there waiting for a late night chat. She picked at some levo-amino friendly food and made herself some chamomile tea. As she was turning to leave, mug in hand she heard the clearing of a throat, echoing like a growl. She stopped feeling her stomach flutter at the purr.

 _Garrus_.

Slowly she turned looking at the blue eyed turian that stood in front of her. Neither of them said a thing, but after a second Shepard thought it best she break the ice considering she did in fact invite him to join them.

"Officer Vakarian." Her smile was soft and honest. She was holding her mug tightly to her chest, feeling slightly nervous.

One of the perks of being one of the galaxy's predatory species was that the turians had extremely adept senses. They could see, hear, smell and taste better. Turians were natural predators. Strong, fast and extremely determined. It was easy to sometimes forget that they could be so dangerous, and in that moment she felt vulnerable.

Those senses were on high alert around Shepard. Garrus wasn't sure what it was about her, but he noticed everything. The pale ivory shade of her skin, and the little brown markings dotting it. The smell of whatever she held in her cup, the soft thudding of her toe tapping the floor. Another deep breath in and he could smell _her_ too; her skin and her hair… Lavender.

That scent he did know. His sister had always been obsessed with botany, particularly those outside of Palaven. Garrus found himself wondering how such soft humans were able to fight they way they did. How could she fight the way she had back a Chora's Den? She looked much smaller out of her gear. Garrus noticed her shoulders and collarbones, they were spattered lightly with the same markings that dripped across her delicate nose and arms. His eyes traced her neck down to each slender finger.

 _Why did they have so many?_

Garrus had seen many humans in less clothing than she was in at work, but he never noticed them. Not really. Not like he was noticing Shepard. Feeling his examination made her more anxious, what could he be thinking while looking at her that way?

"You made it." Looking back at the clock with a smile and it read 1202.

"Yeah. I hope it's alright. I know it's late but, I didn't want to risk missing you—or, the departure, I mean." Garrus purred with a flick of his mandible and shifted his feet.

"I did invite you, remember?" Shepard laughed lightly, relaxing a bit. "It is pretty late though, Vakarian."

Garrus regarded her carefully taking note of her vitals that streamed in a small line along the inside of his tactical visor. Trying to push back the smell of her skin. Slight raise in heartbeat. Vitals look okay. Her face still managing that soft yet stern look.

"Should I just leave now then?" Garrus teased, his deep voice cooing. Another smile and she took a sip of her tea peering at him over the top of her mug. Was it the drink or Garrus making her insides warm…

"I know, I just couldn't sleep. Figured now was as good a time as any- So, I heard this is your ship now. You make becoming a Spectre look so easy. My father would hate you." Garrus joked sitting his stuff down and walking closer to her. In one solid motion he stood next to her leaning on the counter besides her. She couldn't help but laugh at his confession, and feel that same flutter from before.

"And yes. My ship. Anderson thought it would be for the best given my… promotion. Plus with all the traveling we're about to be doing it really does make the most sense." Was she justifying what had happened to Garrus or herself? She hoped he was as bad at reading humans as she was at reading turians.

 _My ship._ It was her ship, she knew that. Knowing something and being okay with it are two different things however. It felt awkward. Even after the discussion she just had with herself.

"I'm honored to be on your ship, Commander." Garrus said looking down at her stern and militant.

Garrus stood nearly a foot taller than Shepard. She looked so small by comparison… He wondered again how she was so strong. Shepard realized just how close they actually were to each other so she nudged him with her elbow playfully in attempts to lighten the mood. Garrus held his mandibles tight, relaxing just a bit at her touch.

"Vakarian, please. I know you're used to the way the turian military runs things. You're used to being very… let's go with, stoic and formal. But that's not how I do things. I want us to form a relationship—become friends. Learn from each other. We can't do that if you don't trust me. I want you to be able to follow my orders because you _believe_ them. Not just because I'm telling you what to do… And I know, from what I've heard you're a _big_ fan of rules… Garrus there is only one rule you need to pay attention to while working with me. Trust me." Her eyes turned serious, and her pulse was calm and steady.

"Trust my abilities. Trust my decisions…Trust me. And like I said earlier, lighten up. So, two rules I guess." She smiled taking a sip of tea. "A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link."

"I've actually heard this one before." Garrus told her when she started to explain.

"But don't get _too_ comfortable. I'm still your boss and I could kick your ass if I wanted to." Shepard dipped her head at him assuredly almost like a bow. He didn't even try to hold back his laugh.

"You really think a human could take on a turian?" He shook his head and began to relax more. Garrus didn't need to acknowledge what she had said before, they both knew he understood.

"Is that a challenge, Vakarian?" Shepard shifted turning to face him now. "We're gonna settle this some other time… I have tea to drink. But I'll be dealing with you later, big guy."

Garrus laughed again, mocking being scared. And just like that the formalities drifted away. They spent the next couple hours chatting about Garrus' time at C-Sec. How he always felt restricted. Tied down. He couldn't help people because rules were always getting in the way. Shepard found herself thinking back again to her brief and at the time seemingly meaningless conversation with Harkin.

' _He's a hothead who still thinks he can change the world._ '

Actually for being a C-Sec officer it became abundantly clear that Garrus didn't really have much consideration for the law at all. Garrus was ruthless, and idealistic. A dangerous combination. For a second she found herself wondering if he had only agreed to join her because he thought that would mean a free pass to handle things how he saw fit. After all, he had openly admitted several times already how bound he felt by the web a rules that surrounded him. Part of her knew that what she was thinking was true, but she could also sense that he really just wanted to do the right thing. He really just wanted to help her. To stop Saren. To make a difference.

"Vakarian, you will have freedom here on my ship. But you need to understand something." Shepard's face stiffened and her eyes glowed with that same intensity he saw when they met in the Med Clinic earlier.

"Innocent lives are at stake; turians, humans, salarians… all life is at stake if what I think is coming is. If Saren succeeds…" She paused looking at the limp lifeless bag in her empty mug.

"This mission won't be easy. There will be casualties. I won't insult you by pretending you don't understand what that means. This will not be a simple bag em and tag em mission. I need to know that when I bring you out there, you will swallow this… 'Do whatever it takes no matter the cost' attitude. I will not risk innocent lives in the process to get the job done, there is always a better way." Shepard looked back up into his eyes, he hadn't backed away and his mandibles held close to his face. "You have to take my lead. You have to _trust_ that I know what I'm doing."

Garrus was a little taken back by her words. Earlier she had told him to trust her, but this was different. Now she seemed to be throwing his previous actions back at him. Had she been referring to their encounter with Dr. Michel? Or had someone said something to her… Did someone tell her how reckless he could be? Whatever her sources, she did have a point. Garrus knew he had the tendency to act first and then think.

"We will catch him, Garrus. There is no where that Saren can run that we won't find him. And you don't have to compromise who you are along the way." She hadn't realized it but her had was resting firmly just above his elbow.

Garrus just looked down at the hand on his arm and had no idea what to say. He was unsure of himself in that moment but the look they shared reassure him. She lifted her hand and immediately he wish she hadn't. He watched as she rinsed the mug she'd been holding for hours. She flashed him a farewell smile and a lazy two finger salute then slipped away. Leaving him in the Mess Hall with his things and a deep sense of wanting to be better.


	3. We know what we are, not what we may Be

CH 3

We know what we are, but not what we may Be

In the weeks that passed their initial meeting on the Citadel they had become great friends. Shepard brought Garrus along on almost every mission since they met. She was fond of the jokingly cocky nature she managed to squeeze out of him. He had a willing eagerness to follow her into any type of situation. Falling back to her right, always watching her 6. After that first night, she felt a shift in him. Her telling Garrus to trust her, turned it into reality and she felt safer knowing he was there keeping the enemies at bay. It wasn't that she couldn't handle herself, it was just nice to not have to worry so much. It was nice to have a friend.

During their mission to Luna, Earth's moon- Garrus could tell that this mission was different for Shepard. Spending as much time with her has he did, had let him in on most of her tells. They were ever so slight, it seemed that no one else knew them…but he did. He had studied her. It was in his nature to study, like a predator stalking its pray. Garrus had memorized her scent and the way her blood had a specific stark metallic smell.

Garrus learned how when she'd arch her scarred brow one way it meant she was extremely pissed. If she raised the other, it meant she was happy. He perfected those subtle differences. He knew that when she bit her lip so slightly it meant she was deep in thought. That when she would pinch the bridge of her nose and look down, she wasn't actually irritated but trying not to laugh. He learned the rhythmic thumping of her heartbeat and the face she wore for Udina or other politicians. That straight respectful, but forceful smile. Not genuine, but just real enough that they bought it every time.

 _How could humans smile with their mouth but not their eyes?_

That straight smile was nothing like the one she gave him during a firefight or when he turned to greet her on one of her visits to Engineering. The one she gave him was real, he was sure of it. Garrus found himself on several occasions getting lost while watching her lips move as she spoke…

All these little things he had learned, yet he wasn't sure what he was seeing now. In the moments before the shuttle down to Earth's moon, he watched her at the window. Shepard stood overlooking the big blue planet. Was she sad? The pearly shade of her skin illuminated by the light below lit up the freckles splattered on her nose. Those big emerald eyes looked longingly at the planet, lost in thought. Those eyes that were usually filled with strength and determination were replaced by a new pair of heavy ones.

Garrus checked her stats on his visor and aside from her elevated pulse she seemed normal. He hadn't seen that look on her face before though and he felt a knot building in his stomach. The woman he had studied was full of countless talents, abilities and considerable strength. It was strange to see her this way. What had she been thinking about while gazing at the white and blue swirls below?

During one of their late night chats Garrus learned about Shepard's N7 training, they even talked about the battle on Elysium. He discovered some of her skills she trained for; the fighting, hacking and endurance training. Even her fluency in multiple native Earth languages. But there were other skills that just came to her naturally. They were instinctual.

 _"You can't learn this level of charm, wit, or coordination, Vakarian."_ She had said once as she shot a husk between the eyes not breaking eye contact with him. He was enamored.

Shepard was right, you couldn't learn that. What she had was something else entirely. Shepard was magnetic. She sent anyone close enough to get caught in her orbit spinning hopelessly with admiration and longing. Even knowing this, she wasn't one to take it lightly or abused it. She was simply herself, she was simply Jane Shepard. Garrus often wondered if her strength was something she trained for or if it was instinctual.

Garrus decided to stop watching her and instead strolled up and nudging her lightly with a shoulder. Pulled from her thoughts Jane snapped back to reality. The previous look of sadness had all but vanished and was replaced with a smile extending to her eyes. He knew that smile all too well, it was real.

"Don't fall asleep over here, we have a rogue VI to deal with and I'd rather not have to leave you behind." Garrus teased looking out of the window with her.

"Ha! I'd like to see you try, Vakarian." Shepard spat back returning the nudge.

Shepard's thoughts lingered on all the life down on that blue planet below. She had only been to Earth once, when she went to the Alliance Headquarters during her initiation ceremony. There was something about it that made her sad today. It reminded her too much of home. Without the distraction of the geth and husks she was really able to feel the weight of what that meant. Her mind wandering to her parents, remembering when she had them. To a life before mission after mission and dealing with suspicions from her human crew on her choice in company.

Whatever she had been thinking about had all but vanished and she was there on the ship again. Shepard looked over at the broad shouldered turian beside her. Garrus was still wearing that blue C-Sec armor, sporting that same old sniper on his back. Shepard really didn't know a lot about Garrus' past, but there was something about their relationship that told her it didn't matter. Fighting with him at her side, had given them a certain bond. It was unspoken and it was strong. She may not have known his whole history, but she knew a different part of him.

Once they were down on Luna and had destroyed the cannons blocking their destination, they entered the bunker and were greeted by assault drones. After several of the drones were dealt with they destroyed 6 power conduits, and retreated to the exit. This repeated with increasing difficulty another two times until they finally disabled the rogue VI.

"Are all these damn shields really necessary?" Shepard asked sarcastically unloading a clip into the bright blue barrier that blocked them at every doorway.

"Was it's plan to just bore us until we gave up and left?" Shepard laughed allowing her gun to cooldown.

"Well, you were trying to kill it, Shepard." Garrus voice with a soft purr over the com, and she felt a slight chill any time he spoke.

Williams just sat back and listened as the two continued their never ending banter. Ashley didn't like when the Commander zoned out on the turian. She thought it was distracting. She of course would never mention it, she knew better. That didn't stop Ashley from watched them though, walking side by side; their conversation was so fluid and effortless. Part of her was a little jealous that they were so close. Not because she wanted to be close to Shepard, but because she didn't have that kind of connection with anyone on the Normandy.

Ashley didn't say a word the entire shuttle ride back to the ship. She retreated quickly to her post down in Engineering. Busying herself with work she thought about the last time she saw her squad on Eden Prime… The last time she had a relationship like the one she saw anytime she joined them on a mission. She felt remorse and guilt building… Before she could get too lost in her survivors guilt, Ashley noticed Shepard enter with Garrus.

Part of what annoyed her so much about him was the fact he was turian, she knew that. She couldn't help it given her family's history at Shanxi. He wasn't a bad guy, but she still didn't trust him. It wasn't even that she didn't trust Garrus, she just didn't trust aliens. Ashley watched as the two parted, and seeing Jane walking straight towards her; she stiffened and saluted.

"Commander."

"Don't be silly, Chief. Cut the formalities, okay?" A soft smile spread over Shepard's face. "How are you, Williams? Do you have a moment to talk?"

"Yes, Commander… Actually, there was something I wanted to discuss with you if I may… off the record." Ashley looked apprehensive. A nod from Shepard let her know she could speak freely.

"I know things run differently on board the Normandy, ma'am. But uh… I'm concerned about the aliens. Wrex and Vakarian… Should we really be letting them have free roam of the ship? And that Quarian is down by the drive core. It's just that…. this is the most advanced ship in the Alliance Navy. I just don't know if we should be letting them snoop around it."

The look on Shepard face let Ashley know that she has struck a nerve. Shepard held her gaze and remained neutral with her tone. Being sure not to speak too loudly, although they all knew that the 'aliens' could hear their conversation loud and clear.

"What makes you say this? You don't trust my judgement in allies?" Shepard asked crossing her arms and leaning into a heel.

"No, it's just… I don't know if we can consider the Council races allies. And even if they were, I don't think we should count on them _staying_ allies. If their backs are against the wall… they will abandon us." Ashley added.

"Thats quite the pessimistic view of the universe, Williams." Shepard let out as she tucked a stray red strand behind her ear.

"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist… Look, if you're out with your dog and a bear attacks… And the only chance of your survival was to sick your dog on it and run, you'd do it. No matter how much you love your dog… it's not human." Ashley saw the look in Shepard's eyes and continued cautiously.

"It's not racism… not really…. members of their own species will always be more important to them."

"Enough, Williams!" Shouted Shepard watching William's mouth shut. Shepard wasn't caring about volume anymore, and she heard a shift in attention around them.

"The Normandy could never have been made if not for the turians and humans joining together. This is a multi lateral mission and you are completely out of line. Do you make a habit of questioning your superiors with xenophobic remarks, Williams?" When Shepard saw Ashley's face change to one of horror and protest, Shepard raised a hand silencing her.

"Call it what you will. But I need you to keep it together and stop making enemies out of friends." Shepard let out a deep breath collecting herself.

"Listen, I understand you're concerned, but you have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't risk any of your lives by endangering you anymore than usual" Shepard added with a hand on Ashley's shoulder and a smile.

"It wont be a problem Commander… You say jump I say how high. You say kiss a turian… I ask what cheek." Ashley tried her best at levity.

"I don't think kissing turians will be necessary, Chief." Shepard let out a laugh removing her hand, shifting it to a hip.

"You never know Commander." Ashley smiled and Shepard caught her eyes moving over to the left where Garrus stood next to the Mako, no doubt calibrating the guns.

Shepard followed her gaze and looked at the turian typing away, and she wondered if Garrus had heard that part of the conversation. What did Ashley mean by that anyway…

Over the last few weeks it was no longer a secret that Kaidan had developed full fledged feelings for Jane. Garrus would have known even if he couldn't smell it on him. Hell, it was extremely obvious to everyone on board. You'd think she was oblivious by the way she treated the biotic's attempts at wooing though. Shepard wasn't rude, no, Jane could never be rude to a friend. But she wasn't giving him any indication that she was interested in him either. Maybe thats what made him like her more. She did her best to be his friend, and in doing so he seemed to grow more infatuated.

Weeks had passed since the identity of Saren's accomplice had been released to them, but they only just now got a lead that went anywhere. It was finally time to head to Noveria, and Kaidan was a good choice to accompany Shepard and Garrus. Noveria was cold, snowing, and full of ice. Garrus didn't like it one bit. " _Turians hate the cold. They hate it, Shepard_." With a slight growl in his words, she couldn't help but smile to herself when he wasn't looking. Her crush was getting just a little ridiculous…

After an afternoon of back and forth's, running errands for favors they finally attained a docking key. They set out in the Mako towards Peak 15 and hopefully right to Benezia.

The conversation was weak, and their usual banter didn't proceed as normal. There was a heavy awkwardness hanging in the Mako around them. No doubt Kaidan's doing, and Garrus found himself becoming increasingly angry at the human. What was it about the biotic that rubbed him the wrong way besides the obvious reasons? It had taken a lot of effort on Garrus' part not to go off on Kaidan on several occasions, and it was clear Kaidan wasn't a big fan of Garrus either.

Maybe it was Kaidan's polar differences from himself that drove him so crazy. Could it have been the fact that the Lieutenant would rather die than break a direct order, no matter how bad it may be? He would make a great turian though… But even so, Garrus would never trust that Kaidan could protect Shepard. He found himself more on edge, more protective anytime Kaidan would accompany them. He knew that If Shepard told Kaidan to go, to leave her to die during one of these missions- that he would do it. Garrus would break a hundred orders if it meant that Shepard would make it out alive. Sometimes, you have to make a decision. And Garrus knew that Kaidan would never have what it takes to make the right one.

Garrus had heard Shepard say that Kaidan's blood ran Alliance blue. Part of what he hated was that brown-nosing boy scout quality, or the judgmental whine in Kaidan's voice. Of all the reasons he could think of though: there was nothing that bothered him more than Kaidan's ability to make Shepard feel as though she had to be someone else when he was with them. Garrus knew it wasn't just the professionalism- she was herself with the rest of the crew. No, he knew better.

"So, boys. We ready to find ourselves a Matriarch?" Shepard smiled at Garrus as they finally reached their destination making their way into the building. Greeted by a new enemy; large bug like creature, Kaidan let out a puzzled sigh.

"Rachni… How-this isn't possible." Kaidan exclaimed, bewilderment filling his voice.

"Hell if I know, Lieutenant." Shepard replied swiftly as they crept forward.

After hacking into the system's core, they began work on reactivating the landlines and other dauntless missions as instructed by the VI.

"This is turning out to be a much longer mission that I thought." Shepard sighed over her shoulder while they walked the halls.

"Ready for some fun? Why don't you figure out this crazy long code to activate me in the first place, just so I can send you around repairing the place for the next 4 hours." Shepard faked an accent, she was pretty terrible at it.

"Reconnect the landline. Oh, while you're at it go ahead and kill some 'extinct' aliens while you're at it." She even used air quotes.

"Oh! And don't forget to repair the reactor…While you're down there can you deal with all this contamination bullshit too please? You don't want to? Oh, well that's too bad because you have to or you can't leave." Shepard's voice trailed off in her normal tone, the sarcasm leaving her voice.

"You'd think someone didn't want us getting out there with all this trouble." She ran a gloved hand through her hair and Garrus watched her enjoying her complaints maybe a little too much. The affectionate gaze the two shared wasn't lost to Kaidan. He watched them, feeling his ears growing warm and his stomach sinking.

 _They can't be serious._

Kaidan examined their playful chatting and body language. Almost as if they could feel his eyes on them Shepard went to speak. Luckily they reached their destination, just in the nick of time. Shepard didn't know what the look Kaidan was giving her meant but she knew she didn't like it. It was obvious to her that they didn't get along, but she didn't really understand why. And honestly, Shepard didn't have time to care. She couldn't deal with this kind of thing right now.

Shepard opened the door hoping she'd finally see Benezia just standing there. Maybe if they were really lucky she'd just kill them all so she never have to talk to them about any of it. _Kidding. Mostly_. But alas, they were met with more redundant tasks.

'Help us cure a disease we created please' followed by an assassination attempt from one of Benezia's spies ranked high on Shepard's list of favorite moments on Noveria. At least that last one let them know they were on the right track. It's not that Shepard minded helping these people, in fact helping people was just about the only thing Shepard knew she loved. But it didn't make the distraction easier. Jane knew she had to get to Benezia and she couldn't help but feel impatience as more obstacles fell in front of them.

Eventually the team made it to their main target, Matriarch Benezia. Shepard didn't know where to start but she needed answers. To no ones surprise Benezia didn't feel like talking and instead sent an electric white-purple ball of energy at them. They spread out narrowly dodging the orb and just like that Garrus and Shepard jumped into their usual positions. He had her 6, and she wasn't worried. Kaidan found himself distracted by the elegance and ease of their transition. They didn't speak through the com but they were still communicating.

 _Did she bring me here just to make me watch… this._

Before Kaidan could indulge his thoughts any further, he was interrupted by Benezia's back up. Alternating units of biotic asari and geth took their turns wearing Shepard and her squad down. After what seemed like a never ending fight Benezia appeared to finally be growing weak. She lunged over cradling her head. Shepard took this as an opportunity and ran up to the woman and lunged. In one swift motion Benezia stood up with full force as a biotic shockwave pulsed around her, extending through the entire room; filling it with bright sparks of electricity.

Shepard went flying backwards slamming into a crate breaking it upon impact. Benezia fell shaking her head as Garrus and Kaidan rushed to Shepard side. Before they could help her up Shepard was already standing. If she had been hurt she did a great job of hiding it. She stormed up to Benezia, grabbed her by the neck pushing her into the large glass crate behind her. Shepard felt the thump of the asari's head when it made contact with the glass, followed by the light shriek vibrating in her palm.

"Listen to me! This isn't over. Saren is unstoppable…. My mind… It's not my own." Benezia's eyes filled with tears, she began shaking her head profusely. "It is filled with his light… you… you must listen to me." Benezia was pleading now, grabbing Shepard by either side of her shoulders, giving her a soft shake. Something was different.

"Saren still whispers in my mind… I can fight his compulsions. But… the indoctrination is strong." Benezia breathed out heavily as Shepard loosened her grip letting the asari go.

"Are… Are you saying he brainwashed you?" Shepard took a small step back noticing her crew at either side of her. Garrus with his riffle aimed perfectly on Benezia and Kaidan with his arm glowing ready to release a biotic blast in a moments notice.

"People… are not themselves around Saren. You come to idolize him. Worship him… They key is his flagship, Sovereign. It is a dreadnought of incredible size and extraordinary power… Thoughts echo strangely within Sovereign. It's rooms… They are built at unsettling angles. The longer you are there— the more Saren's will becomes your will. You sit at his feet and smile as his words pour into you…" Benezia's voice was eerie, raising the hair on the back of Shepard's neck.

"It was subtle… at first. I thought I was strong enough to resist him. But I too, became a willing slave, eager to serve him. He sent me here to find where the Mu Relay is located… It has been lost for thousands of years…"

"Wait, how do you just lose a relay?" Kaidan asked behind Shepard, as Benezia continued.

"Two thousand years ago the Rachni inhabited that region of our galaxy. They discovered the relay… The Rachni have an ability to share memories across generations. Queens inherit the knowledge of their mothers… I wasn't gentle when I took the location from her mind." Benezia gestured to the large bug like alien trapped behind her.

"Why is Saren looking for this relay?" Shepard asked crossing her arms, keeping her brow and voice strong.

"He believes the Mu Relay will lead him to the Conduit. I… I would tell you more if I could. But I was merely a tool— and Saren did not share his counsel with me." She shook her head and placed her hand over her eyes.

"Benezia, you can still make this right. Give me the information. We can stop him." Shepard had such strength in her voice, it was believable and warm. Benezia stepped forward handing them an OSD.

"I transcribed the data to this… Please take it. He already has the coordinates, I transmitted them before you arrived. I don't know anything else… You have to stop… me… I-I can't— his teeth are at my ear… fingers on my spine…" Benezia gasped heaving over as if in pain.

A shuffle behind Shepard let her know that her team was getting ready for something, anything.

"You should—you… should…" Benezia rose again releasing biotic orbs from her fingertips, sending them flying backwards.

Quickly stumbling to their feet, with weapons retracted they began to fight. Kaidan sent out waves of blue light and Garrus lined up his shots. They fought tirelessly and with each empty clip, Benezia grew weaker and weaker until she had nothing left. Shepard took this as an opportunity to charge at her and punched her square in the jaw, sending the Matriarch falling backwards. She seemed to snap out of her trance again. After a moment she began speaking.

"Shepard… you must… stop him. It's too late for me… He is still in my mind. I will never… be myself… again" She let out a cough, looking to Shepard for a moment before getting lost in the distance.

"No… light. They always said there would be…a…" And Benezia was gone. Shepard stood over the Matriarch watching as the light slipped from her eyes. Watching someone die was never easy.

"Shepard…" A soft purr over her right side came, accompanied by a heavy hand that rested on her shoulder. She placed her left hand on top of it for a second and then walked forward to examine the Queen in front of her.

The Rachni Queen was enormous. And unlike her kin she was a dark purple. She had many white glowing eyes and long thin bug like legs. On top of her slender tall body, she had a single tentacle with a spore on the end. The spore shot at the window near Shepard's face, sending her stumbling backward. Shepard turned noticing she had bumped into something. She had collided with a dead asari, only the asari didn't look so dead considering she was swaying lightly towards the spore on the glass.

"What the- " Shepard gasped grabbing her gun, pointing it back and forth between the Queen and the dead asari.

A sinister voice echoed all around them. It seemed to have been coming from every dead body in the room. All their different tones, and voices mixing as one. Geth and asari alike.

"This one. Serves as our voice. We cannot sing. Not in these low spaces. Your musics are colorless." The voices said in eerie unison.

Shepard looked with confused eyes to her companions and back towards the asari standing in front of her. "I'm… not sure I understand."

"Your way of communicating is strange. Flat. It does not color the air. When we speak, one moves all. We are the mother. We sing for those left behind. The children you thought silenced. We are Rachni." The voices answered.

"How are you speaking through her? How is this possible?" Shepard stepped to the other side of the asari and peered into the cage over the Queen.

"Our kind sing through touchings and thought. We pluck the strings, and the other understands. She is weak to urging. She has colors we have no names for, but she is ending. Her music is bittersweet. It is beautiful. The children we birth here were stolen from us… before they could learn to sing, they are lost to silence. End their suffering. They cannot be saved. They can only cause harm as they are." The voiced joined in unison as they finished.

"I don't understand…" Shepard gave with a shake of her head looking back at Garrus, then to the queen. "Why are your children killing people?" Shepard shifted her weight looking back towards the standing asari.

"These needle-men. They stole our eggs from us. They sought to turn our children into beasts of war. Claws with no songs of their own… Our elders are comfortable with silence. Children know only fear if no one sings to them… Fear has shattered their lines."

Kaiden let out a breath and spoke "Well, it makes sense. You can't expect to leave a baby alone until he's 16 and expect him to be sane."

Shepard looked to Garrus again wanting his opinion, but he didn't give it. She bit her lower lip and looked back at the queen. Silence. After a moment she walked in front of the asari and spoke.

"If… you're sure they can't be saved. I will do it."

"It is lamentable." The raspy whispers of the voices circling them. "But necessary. Do what you must. Before you deal with our children… we stand before you. What will you sing? Will you release us? Are we to…. Fade away once more?" The voices asked with urgency, filling with desperation.

Shepard stepped back from the glass tank rubbing her forehead. It seemed she had finally just gotten rid of the last headache and here came another one. What could she do here… She could release the Rachni Queen or she could kill her. Before her she spoke with the Queen she wouldn't have had to ask, but after their talk Shepard had a hard time deciding what was right.

Ultimately it was her kind hearted nature what decided to give the Queen the benefit of the doubt. She sent the Rachni on her way before heading down to the Hot Labs to destroy the base filled with her broken children.

The shuttle back to the Normandy was tense. Garrus offered no opinion on her actions, it wasn't like having it would have done anything to sway her really. Once her mind was made up, it was set. There as no changing that, and maybe that's why he didn't say anything. Maybe he saw that she already had the answer in her eyes when she looked to him for opinion.

How had he gotten so good at reading this human?

It had only been a couple days since they left Noveria, but they had no leads on the Mu Relay. All the confidence from defeating one of Saren's indoctrinated slaves had all but seeped away at the realization that they had no idea where to start. It felt like they were back at square one. Yeah, they had _some_ information, but what good is information if you don't know what it's good for?

In the days to follow, they went on several routine missions. All of which lead them no where. Shepard looked at as a good way to build relationships among the team. She needed them all to be strong and trust each other. She knew how dangerous a mission could be with two people that didn't care for each other… Two people like Kaidan and Garrus.

Shepard sat in her cabin, staring at a half built model ship on her desk, shaking her leg restlessly. Her exasperated sighs annoying her more and more with each inhale and exhale. Not having anything new to go on drove her crazy. Shepard wasn't the impulsive type, but restlessness did help to pull out her anxiety. Two knocks at the door, and she yelled.

"It's open!" The mechanical humming of the door revealed Garrus standing in his casual attire.

His arms were tucked behind his back as he ducked his head stepping into the room. Garrus held himself very stiffly having been the first time he entered her living space she understood his body language. As she sat up, he felt a breeze of her scent engulf him. Lavender. Shepard.

"Garrus." A smile crept across her lips as she said his name. Running a finger through her hair she straightened it on either side, pulling her legs to sit crisscross facing him. "Please. Sit." Shepard gestured to the chair across from her next to her desk. After a brief hesitation he nodded and complied.

"Are you alright? Not that I mind late night visits from my favorite turian." Her laugh was soft and he felt himself relax a little into his surroundings.

 _Her favorite turian._

Garrus noticed she had a stack of books next to her bed, and data pads scattered literally on every surface of the room. Her armor was stacked in a pile, not in her locker in the Mess Hall. Shepard's room wasn't messy, but it wasn't clean either. She seemed to have her own form of organization going though and he enjoyed looking at her model ships. A clearing of her throat brought him back to her and he finally spoke.

"Excuse me, Shepard. I know this isn't exactly how things are done. You definitely don't go to your Commanding Officers quarters in the middle of the night on a turian vessel…" Garrus found himself wondering if his coming off weird… had he been making a mistake? No doubt human military had protocols on these kinds of things, but some how he ended at her door anyway.

"Nah, I mean. Sure, they have their _rules_." Shepard emphasized at him with a smile. "But this is my ship, and I have an open door policy." She shifted her arms back leaning on them.

Shepard sat in N7 issued sweatpants and a black tank top. He noticed all the scars she had on her arms, and chest. All the bruises and marks. Her thin collarbones lining her chest elegantly. He wondered how she was still functioning after all the beatings he had seen her take. She seemed so fragile to him at times like this. Sitting there, relaxing. Her red hair hung to one side and she dipped her head into her palm that sit propped by her knee.

"You just gonna stare at me all night?" Her eyes were warm, not mocking and he leaned forward in his seat.

Garrus rested his elbows on either knee pulling his long taloned hands across his fringe and down his neck, pausing to rub it a moment. Shepard watched, as he did this. She began feeling nervous, what was this about?

"Oh, I don't know, maybe. The scenery isn't bad." He purred back to her and she felt a shudder run through her.

Flirting was just part of their friendship, part of their dynamic. They had chemistry. The kind of chemistry that made what they had effortless and made him easy to be around. Half the time she didn't even realize how flirty she was with him until she had already spat out some clever remark. The crush was harmless…

It didn't matter though, because their flirting was going no where. Even if he was human, their flirting would go no where. She was Commander of this ship. She had a very important job, and she really couldn't afford an inter species scandal right now. That didn't stop her from thinking about it from time to time though.

"When I was at C-Sec… there was this case. It was a bit… disturbing. I was tasked with tracking black market trade… It was all relatively harmless. But during the course of my investigation, I noticed…" He stopped noticing Shepard uncrossing her legs. She sat them down in front of her mimicking his positioning, looking intently in his eyes.

"What was so weird about it?" She asked.

"I noticed an increase in the trade of body parts. Organs mostly." His voice let out with a slight flanging. He saw her eyes react to the strange conversation and continued. "We usually get a few of those…" He had added since she seemed genuinely shocked. "- but not the numbers I was seeing. We weren't sure if there was a new black market lab, or if some freak was harvesting organs from citizens."

"Wait…" Shepard leaned back tucking a few unchecked strands of red behind her ear. "You've seen this before? On the citadel?"

"Every so often… It's not as bad as it sounds…" Garrus continued to tell her about a geneticist he had come into contact with.

This doctor had been responsible for using his subjects as test tubes. Using cloning technology to grow, then harvest and regrow organs inside his 'employees'. Apparently Dr. Saleon paid them a small percentage assuming the organs were good. Garrus could see the anger and disgust building in Shepard's face as he explained how the doctor had never been caught. She was beginning to understand his distaste for rules. Garrus explained how he tried going after him, only to have C-Sec headquarters countermanded his order.

Dr. Saleon was on a ship full of hostages, and the council didn't want to risk the civilian lives. She wondered if his father had allowed him to join Spectre training, would she even be looking at the same turian? She didn't think so given his disregard for lives if it meant he got his target.

Shepard could see that Garrus had a darkness in him; one that remained caged due to the rules and regulations he hated so much. If only he could realize those rules were the only thing that kept him from crossing a line. And boy did he walk dangerously close to it… A line he wouldn't be able to come back over. Shepard was reminded of a conversation they'd had when he joined the crew all those weeks ago - " _It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you get it done."_

"Garrus… It's not worth the risk." She shook her head feeling a hint of regret in her stomach. Shepard had hoped she had been reaching him, but maybe she hadn't been after all. Maybe he still was that ruthless turian that didn't care how many lives were at stake.

"All they had to do was disable it, and stop him from running… Maybe the hostages die… maybe they don't. But at least we stop the bastard responsible for it all." Garrus raised his voice an octave, his flanging sounded more like a low growl rumbling in his chest.

His mandibles were held tight. Shepard reached her hand out and touched the side of his face, pulling his attention to hers. Pulling him back from the anger that crept through him. Pulling him from his bloodlust.

"If you don't care about the fate of those hostages… Then you're no better than he is." She held his gaze a moment longer not removing her hand. "I know that it's not easy. It never gets easier to watch someone walk away that should be paying for what they did. But… It does matter how you do it. The ends don't always justify the means." Shepard's voice was almost pleading, hoping that this would stay with him.

Jane didn't want him look in the mirror one day and not recognize the person looking back. Her lips rolled into a small smile as she removed her hand placing it in her lap, lacing her fingers together. He had been surprised that she touched him, but the second she removed her hand he missed it. There was a cold spot where her hand had been and he didn't like how it felt.

"Yeah… Maybe you're right. It doesn't make it any easier though… but… I see your point." Garrus leaned back into the chair rubbing his neck again. "I just wish I could have stopped him. That's all."

"Hey," Shepard grabbed his attention, locking their eyes. She could see he was feeling defeated. "We will get him. You have my word." She nodded and they slipped away into another long night of conversation.

The morning that followed came too fast and she woke sprawled across the bottom of her bed. She looked around and saw Garrus leaning back sleeping heavily in the chair across from her. That could not have been comfortable… What time was it…

The two both jumped at Joker speaking over the intercom. Hardly having any time to assess the situation, or the fact that he had slept in her room that night it was straight to business.

"Commander, we have Anderson on the line. He has some information, some Prothean expert or whatever. Oh, and she was related to Benezia or something… Yeah, have fun with that." Joker closed the line, as the two of them started their day.

Liara T'Soni was definitely an expert. She had spent the last 50 years of her life studying Prothean technology and culture. More specifically, their extinction. Her dossier made her the perfect new recruit so Shepard set a course to find her. The dig site she was located on was Prothean, and Shepard found herself hopeful on what Dr. T'Soni could tell them about the Conduit. About the Proteans. Maybe even about the Reapers- Hell, anything.

They had found the Liara suspended in a rather suspicious energy field. The team broke her out using a massive laser mining drill. Trying to leave the dig site was a bit more difficult though, and they were faced against a mob of krogan mercenaries. Saren's mercenaries. They were after the doctor and were't about to let Shepard walk without a fight.

"Why can't anything ever be easy?" Shepard breathed over the com her voice rung with annoyance.

They really didn't have the time for this, the mining laser may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it was proving to be a mistake. They felt the ruins around them shake and pulse. The dig site wasn't going to hold much longer. Shepard looked around and saw her squad in various positions around her, struggling to remain calm. To keep their footing while pieces of rubble fell around them.

"Shepard, we have to get out of here!" Garrus yelled in the coms. "The whole place is going down."

Shepard got up and unloaded her clip into the remaining mercs scattered between her and Liara. In one swift motion she ran to her, grabbed her by the arm they started running towards the exit. All around them the ruins quaked, rubble narrowly missing them during their escape. Vision blurred from vertigo.

Shepard was always the last one out of a mission, she would only leave if she knew everyone else was safe. And this time was no different. Their escape was just up the runway, but she stood back; yelling and ushering her squad up and through the vault exit.

"Go, go, go, go!"

"Everyones out, come on, Shepard!" Garrus yelled grabbing an arm pulling her behind him.

There was urgency in his voice- worry. The two of them ran up the vault, following the light at the end of the tunnel. Growls echoing as the site disintegrated behind them, the roaring surrounding them. She felt the hot familiar burn in her muscles. The two of them slipped out of the vault door with only seconds to spare. They were thrown from the force, tumbling down the ramp they landed in a pile on top of each other.

Shepard lay below him, they were both panting from the exertion. His eyes were intense; what was that look- _fear_? She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She still lay still under him admiring his tattoos and the crystal color of his eyes. She felt his warm, rushed breath on her neck and cheek, they were breathing in unison. Feeling him on her made her weak and nervous.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" Garrus asked softly looking down at her.

The deep red of her hair draped around her head in light waves. Small cuts decorated her chin and forehead. Dirt smudges and small specks of sweat dotted her hairline. Shepard swallowed, feeling a dip in her stomach when he raised a gloved hand to tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm fine. How about you, big guy? You seem mighty comfortable." She smiled up at him, catching her breath finally. It just occurred to Garrus that he was still on top of her. He had just touched her face.

 _What the hell am I doing?_

In that moment though, he couldn't help himself. Garrus had taken it as a duty to serve and protect her… His job wasn't just to find Saren, or stop the Reapers and geth. He also had to protect Shepard. He knew how important she was. How important she would be in the years to come. Shepard was more important than any of them.

 _But why did you touch her? Why are you STILL touching her…_

"I'd always heard humans were squishy, I just had no idea how squishy they were." Garrus purred close to her ear still not moving off of her.

Shepard swallowed down the feeling of desire, nudging him in the side with her hand rolling him off of her. Garrus lay with his back on the ground looking up at her affectionately. She turned with one arm on the ground for support and pointed down at him.

"HEY. I am NOT squishy." Shepard laughed as she stood dusting off her armor.

Shepard let out a delicate hand and his mandibles fluttered lightly taking it allowing her to help him stand. For a second they both forgot where they were, and that they had just barely escaped with Liara in one piece. Wrex and Dr. T'Soni had been awkwardly standing pretending not to notice. Shepard took this as an opportunity to call the Normandy for extraction. When they got back to the ship however, Shepard realized she had to tell their new friend she had indirectly killed her mother just a couple weeks earlier. Insert heavy stomach. Insert guilt.

Referring to Benezia simply as Liara's mother seemed dubious though. She wasn't just a mother anymore, she had been indoctrinated. A slave to Saren to the point of no return. Shepard knew that and so did Benezia. Even knowing that Shepard didn't physically _kill_ Benezia, she still felt responsible. Shepard had taken away Liara's mother and there was nothing that she could do to fix it. Realizing that Liara probably didn't even know about her mothers death yet given her location and situation, made her feel worse. Shepard would tell her… But, not yet.

Shepard let their new recruit settle in before calling a meeting, and while she sat waiting for the crew to assemble she couldn't help thinking about Garrus back on Therum. The way he looked at her in that moment. His eyes were so different… There was something primal about it. She had never been scared of Garrus even though she knew how dangerous and strong turians were. Even though she knew Garrus would never hurt her, she couldn't help but wonder if he'd have hurt someone for her.

Shepard snapped out of her daydream when Ashley began to speak. When she scanned the room, she noticed her crew had already been sitting in their normal spots. How long had she been standing there in silence thinking about… whatever that was back on Therum?

"Right." Shepard turned with a nod as Ashley sat in her usual seat.

Shepard began by explaining who Liara was, and how she could help. An awkward silence rose when they realized who Liara had been related to, but no one spoke. To Shepard's surprise and disappointment Liara couldn't provide any information about the Conduit. Even with her extensive knowledge in Proteans, she couldn't provide them with anything they didn't already know. Liara's demeanor changed though when she found out Shepard had come into direct contact with a Prothean beacon. Her eyes lit up like she had just been given a present.

For some reason the look she gave Shepard annoyed Garrus, and he felt an itch under his plates. He held his mandibles close to his face, watching the asari stand to meet Shepard where she stood.

"I… may be able to help, Commander." Liara said, eyes wide stepping closer to Shepard. "The asari, we have a unique ability to join minds with other species. I can join your consciousness with mine… maybe we can make some sense of your beacon." Liara urgently offered.

Shepard looked around at her squad thinking about the proposal. She had never 'joined' with anyone before, but the idea freaked her out. She knew what the asari commonly used this… talent for. It was no secret that the asari were popular consorts due to this unique ability. It could be used to help them though, and Shepard was willing to try anything to stop Saren.

Shepard nodded and closed the gap between them. The room was silent, and Liara placed her hands on Shepard's shoulders. Leaning closer she touched their foreheads together and whispered for Shepard to close her eyes. Everyone watched intently as Shepard complied. In a flash Liara's eyes went black and two words slipped from her lips "Embrace eternity."

There was a flash, the room spun out into darkness and the visions from the beacon on Eden Prime echoed around her and through her. Thumping, screeching, taring… Flashes of battle. Death. Pleading. Destruction. Bright and dull at the same time and none of it made any sense. She didn't feel like a person, she didn't know where she was. Shepard was in the beacon. She was the beacon. With a loud fluttering that sounded like a flock of birds engulfing her about to take her away- she slid back to reality. She was back on her ship. She was Shepard.

A gross thickness like the first time she touched the beacon ran through her veins and under her skin. With each breath she took, it swam deeper into her body; leaving her empty. Shepard and Liara both lost their balance slightly. Garrus rushed to stand behind Shepard, at her 6 he watched as she rubbed her head steadying herself.

"Did… did it work? Did you see anything?" Shepard asked gathering her strength standing tall and straight.

Liara's eyes were wide and she held Shepard's gaze for a moment before speaking.

"I… wow." Liara was shaking her head in disbelief.

"All of this time… All of my research… I never imagined." She paused and looked back at the Commander. "I'm sorry… The images were so vivd. I could never have imagined the experience would be so… intense. Shepard… You are remarkably strong willed. What you've seen, and been through. It would have destroyed a lesser mind." Liara ended still gazing admiringly at Shepard.

"Did you… see anything?" Shepard asked with urgency trying to shake off the sickly feeling that ran under her skin in waves.

Pushing back the chills that ran through her body she crossed her arms, and leaned into her hip. She could feel Garrus standing behind her, and the eyes of her crew watching curiously. Knowing he was there made her feel a little better.

"The beacon on Eden Prime… It must have been severely damaged, Commander. There are large pieces missing from the vision. The transfer… it was incomplete. I'm sorry I cannot provide any new information… But you were right- the Protheans were wiped out by a race of sentient machines, The Reapers. There is an obvious connection between them, the Prothean extinction and the Conduit. I am sorry, but I didn't see anything that would help us locate it." Liara looked down shaking her head in disappointment- this was the first time she removed her gaze from Shepard since their joining.

"I was able to interpret the data that remained in tact however. There wasn't much… something was missing. Not broken… but missing." She thought for a moment and continued.

"Saren must have that missing information. He must have found another beacon… if we can find the missing data I can-I..ca- woah!" Liara's voice was weak as she nearly collapsed.

"I am sorry… the joining… It can be quite exhausting. I should lie down for a moment." Liara replied and after Shepard dismissed the crew she wondered if that was what happened to her as well… Was that why she felt so strange afterwards?

No, it couldn't be. Shepard could feel that this was something else. It didn't come from Liara or the asari mind joining. This was deeper. This was something that was already there, but had been pushed to the side. This was the feeling the vision gave her after she first came into contact with the beacon. Had it been the effects of the beacon itself? Was it the information? The way it transferred into her brain like some kind of file? Before her thoughts could get too far a familiar taloned hand rested on her left shoulder bring her back to reality.

Shepard was back on the Normandy. She was Shepard. Turning to him she smiled. Garrus could tell it was real, but it still felt off. He wasn't sure what he saw, but he knew she needed someone. Removing his hand he nudged her with his shoulder and spoke

"So, how did that feel? I've heard some stories about the asari joining…" Garrus was insinuating with his tone.

His dark smooth purring reverberating close to her. She felt a warm sensation replace the itchy one from before. Shepard could smell the dirt still clinging to him, and noticed the small cuts specked with blue blood that had all but dried. Neither of them had changed or washed up since they returned to the Normandy.

"Well, at least now I can mark 'have mind sex with a complete stranger while my whole crew watches' off of my bucket list. " She laughed and leaned over the railing in front of her.

Shepard ran her fingers through her hair, and felt just how messy she had gotten from the dig site. When Garrus looked at her questioningly she continued.

"It's like a list of things you want to do before you die. You know, having to explain it sorta ruins my joke though."

"I'm sure it wasn't very good anyway, Shepard." Garrus had a softness to his voice when he spoke. "You know, you really should shower. You smell terrible." He cooed and she watched as his mandibles twitched with amusement.

Garrus leaned back, ran a hand over his fringe and down his neck. Shepard had watched him do this simple task many times before; and this time like all others she did so admiringly. Garrus really was a good man. He was a little misguided by vengeance, and sometimes let his hatred for injustice cloud his judgement; but he meant well. He had a good heart and she saw that. He just needed a little guidance. They had become such close friends, it was hard to imagine this journey being manageable without him.

"Ha, ha, Vakarian. You don't smell so great either, ya know? Now watch it or I'll have to write you up. Or beat you up. One of the two." She joked pointing a finger at him.

"Oh, no. Not the infamous finger point. I must _really_ be in trouble. You still haven't made due on your last threat. I'm beginning to think you don't have it in you, Commander."

"Don't you test me, I will ground you. And take away your toys. Have fun calibrating nothing. And for the record, I still intend on kicking your ass." She spat back playfully and turned back to him lowering her finger.

Garrus was standing rather close to her as he often did, shifting his weight effortlessly. She wondered how he moved so gracefully with his height and broad shoulders. He gave her a challenging look and scoffed lightly shaking his head.

"You win this time, Shepard. But only because my riffle really needs some work after the day we've had. The sights are completely off…" He trailed off.

Noticing she was staring, she signaled to the door and they both exited the room.

Deep in effortless conversation.


	4. Whoever loved that not at first Sight

CH 4

Who Ever Loved that Loved not at First Sight

It had been about 7 and a half weeks since Shepard had been promoted to Council Spectre and the Normandy had began it's search for Saren. Their lead on Feros had been successful, even with a few set backs. What started out as a routine visit turned into a full on investigation into ExoGeni Corporation. Shepard and her ground team had uncovered a telepathic sentient plant: The Thorian. This plant however, wasn't your average run of the mill flower. This guy was enormous. With tendrils that spread under most of the surface of Feros. Dealing with enemies of this size was proving to be a pain in the ass to deal with.

ExoGeni had been using the Thorian's unique telepathic abilities to control the minds of the colonists at Zhu's Hope as part of an experiment. They were completely unaware they were under its thrall…slaves to the beast. Shepard learned that day that she wasn't the only one to discover what was going on on this deceptively peaceful colony. Saren had. And if Saren had been there, they were on the right track. Despite all odds Shepard, Garrus and Wrex managed to make a friend in an Asari named Shiala. They had found her escaping the Thorian's grasp after they had destroyed it. Finally Feros was released from the Thorian, and so was Shiala.

Shiala explained how she ended up as a slave to the Thorian… Saren had tricked it into helping him after trading her as payment for the cipher. Shiala had been forced to meld with the Thorian, and their consciousnesses were combined as one. Being a slave to the creature was no picnic, but she didn't come out empty handed. Shiala had received the cipher.

 _Finally. Some good news for once._

It came as no surprise to the crew when they learned that Saren betrayed the Thorian in the end. When Saren discovered Shepard was getting too close and he had what he wanted, he ordered the geth to destroy it and all evidence of it's existence. Learning all of this was useful information, but yet again what could they do with it? Shepard picked her brain as much as possible, trying to learn anything she could. Anything that might help them in their fight. Shiala had an idea. She would join with Shepard's mind and share the cipher with her. Shepard urgently complied, but yet again she was left with a message she couldn't understand and a thick uneasiness.

The mission hadn't been easy… Thorian creepers, trying to avoid hitting enthralled colonists and an ancient plant monster that was literally hundreds of meters long had been annoying to say the least. But it had all been worth it. Even if Shepard couldn't understand the cipher, she had it. She could figure out how to understand it and they were that much closer to catching up with Saren. He may have been a few steps ahead of them this whole time, but it started to seem like the gap was closing. They were almost there. She could feel it.

They had spent about three days on Feros in total and after that mission ended it was time for some shore leave. Shepard didn't think this was the time for such a thing- but Adam's down in the drive core insisted. After she thought about it, a checkup wouldn't hurt anyone. Plus, it was Jokers birthday that weekend.

Shepard could use a few ays break after the non-stop missions they'd had. She was finding the stress of it all weighing down on her a bit. She always had insomnia, but this was something else. Shepard found herself laying in bed every night staring at her ceiling. The minutes blurred into hours and night after night she grew more restless. After every mission she had new bruises and scars. Each one telling it's own story. And the difficulty to find peace in her bed crept further away. She really did need a break, her body needed the break.

When the Normandy arrived at the Citadel a few days later the crew started to disperse and Shepard had no idea what to do with herself. How could she relax knowing what was coming? After all that she had seen so far? All of her thoughts had been on the mission. Reapers, Saren and the geth… sometimes during those sleepless nights she even found herself thinking about Garrus…

Shepard stood on the docking bay outside of the Normandy saluting, waving and hugging off her crew members for the weekend. Garrus waited by the elevator watching her. He could see how each crew member had a different relationship with Shepard, and they were all personalized and unique. Shepard knew everyone on that ship. She knew their service history, details about their families… their hopes, dreams and fears. But it wasn't just that she felt obligated to know them, Shepard was genuinely interested in them all. Garrus remembered her saying that knowing her crew made her stronger. It gave her something to fight for.

 _She really is incredible. Beautiful._

Wait a minute. Incredible? Beautiful? He couldn't remember the last time he had referred to anyone with such high regard. Garrus never really had time for relationships and it's not like he had a thing for humans… He had heard about the fetishes but he never found one attractive. Well, not until Shepard.

Garrus thought about how protective he was of her, all those long nights learning each other. The way she smiled at him. That smile that was only his…It didn't matter what sleep deprived thoughts he was having in that moment only one thing really mattered: she was human, and he was turian.

Even if it wasn't weird for the obvious reasons he could think of multiple other reasons it couldn't happen. She was his superior. His boss. His _Commander_. Maybe that should have been higher up the list of problems in his fantasy… Whatever he was feeling was nothing, a momentary lapse. Shepard was his best friend. He cared for her deeply and in those couple months she had been a better friend to him than anyone he had ever known.

He thought about how Shepard had kept her word and helped him track down Dr. Saleon. Once he saw the doctor he'd been tracking all reason went out the window: he wanted blood. She had seen the look in his eyes, ordering him to stand down. Garrus respected her too much to disobey a direct order, so reluctantly he complied. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew she was right.

Killing Dr. Saleon would solve nothing. It wouldn't bring those people back. I wouldn't undo all the time Garrus spent tracking him. But if they took him in they could get some information; about the hostages, what he had been up to… anything. They didn't know what the doctor had been doing, or if he had been harvesting organs again somewhere else. Had he got himself into a bigger mess they didn't know about under his new allies Dr. Heart? Garrus knew he would be more useful to them alive. It didn't end up mattering in the end though, Dr. Saleon refused to go into custody and ended up dying anyway.

Garrus couldn't understand the point of this… he had ended up dead like he had wanted. Why couldn't he have just killed him at the start before he had a chance to try and run again? He would never forget what Shepard said in response,

' _Garrus… You can't predict how people will act. But you can control how you'll respond. In the end… that's all that really matters.'_ Shepard had been right. Again.

Working with her really had been eye opening for Garrus. Shepard had seen the path he was headed down before he even did… A path not that different from Saren's actually. In that moments Garrus watched her, he realized what this had all been about. It had been about saving him. Shepard didn't care about Dr. Saleon. She cared about him. She had been trying to stop him from turning into someone he would hate.

 _'I don't think I've ever met anyone like you, Shepard.'_ Garrus had told her that day. He didn't realize how true that was until now. Until he noticed the way the lights above her illuminated her hair and emerald eyes. Until he noticed how beautiful every little dot was on her nose and cheeks. How beautiful she really was.

On the docking bay Shepard noticed him watching her. She glanced over and held up one delicate finger, that smile trickled her lips and she mouthed _'One minute.'_ He nodded back at her, mandibles lose against his face. That's when he noticed Joker standing next to him. _How long had he been there…_

Joker stood fairly straight but you could see caution in his eyes. You sorta had to live your life cautiously with a disease like the one Joker had. Garrus didn't know much about the pilot, but he respected him and enjoyed exchanging a good joke or two from time to time. Joker looked from Shepard and then back to Garrus. He had a certain look in his eyes, one that made Garrus feel strange. In the awkwardness of the moment Garrus shifted his wait uncomfortably. The smallest smile slipped the corner of Jokers mouth, but he quickly cleared his throat and coughed into his fist.

"Garrus." Joker let out still holding back his smile, that look still behind his eyes. He turned and walked away joining Liara, Tali and Presley in the elevator down.

Shepard had finally finished her temporary goodbyes and walked straight up to Garrus.

"So, a turian on shore leave… You come here often?" Shepard smiled and nudged him as they waited for their ride down to C-Sec having just missed the last one.

"Oh yeah… I come here often. Good place to blow off steam. Scenery's not bad either…" Garrus looked at her for a second then nudged over his shoulder to the Normandy slyly. His voice cooed his usual soft hum mandibles flaring playfully.

Why was everything so much easier when she was with Garrus? She felt like she could handle anything if he was with her. No matter how big or small the mission she could do it if he were by her side. Shepard felt the guilt of taking a break in the middle of all this lift, like a weight off her shoulders. Garrus and Shepard spent the afternoon finding new models, talking about guns and trying different foods on the Citadel. They couldn't share anything but it was nice to just pretend to be normal for a few hours. They deserved this, didn't they?

The three day weekend came and went faster than they hoped, and before they knew it they only had one more night before it was back to hunting rogue Spectres and saving the galaxy. So naturally, it was time to party, it was a great excuse to celebrate Joker's birthday.

The crew met at Flux Night club in the Wards for drinks and one last hurrah before they had to see this mission through. Garrus found himself recalling a conversation he'd had with Shepard when they first met-

' _This mission won't be easy. There will be casualties. I won't insult you by pretending you don't understand what that means.'_ He knew what she had meant then, but it had a new meaning for him now. Was this really it… would this be the last break they'd get. Would they all make it after they found Saren? Would Shepard make it?

 _Of course she would. She's Shepard._

Garrus stood at the bar with Joker who wore some kind of paper cone on his head, Tali and one of the Alliance crew members he didn't know… Alan maybe? He found himself glancing at the door every few minutes. Shepard wasn't there yet, and he wondered what she had been up to. Garrus hadn't seen her since the night before and found the anticipation of waiting building. He took a drink of his Dextro Heat Sink, a drink he enjoyed for the obvious play on words. Honestly, it didn't taste that great.

Garrus scanned the room again for her red hair, for her scent. When he felt a touch on the shoulder he smiled. When he turned however, he wasn't greeted by Shepard but a female turian. He should have known, he couldn't smell Shepard anywhere. The female in front of him had softer features than his own and she had deep purple markings down her nose and mouth with two small dashes under either eye on her cheekbones. She was very pretty by turian standards.

"Can I buy you another one of those?" The turian asked sweetly pointing to his drink. Her flanging was soft and smooth. Garrus looked at his almost empty glass and back at the turian.

"Sure, but only if I can buy you one first." Garrus said back. He had always been charming and good with words, he knew this. If this was his last night on the Citadel he may as well have a little fun right? When she smiled he took this as a yes and asked what she was drinking.

Shepard finally had made her way into Flux. She was running late of course after picking up a brand new Spectre requisition sniper riffle for Garrus. She was nervous for some reason; she didn't usually give gifts, and this was REALLY expensive. But she had more credits than she knew what to do with, and he really needed a new gun. She felt the pounding of the techno echo through her chest and her palms started to sweat.

 _What the fuck, you're Commander Shepard. Keep it together_

She scanned the room for her crew, but mostly she as looking for Garrus. When she saw him though, she wished she hadn't.

Several minutes passed and Garrus took another look around the room. He saw Shepard standing near the entrance of the club looking at them. She had no expression. No indication of what she was thinking or feeling. She just stood there, watching the two of them. Shepard hadn't moved an inch since she entered Flux a few minutes before. She was too far away and there were far too many people in the club to get a proper read from his visor.

In the minutes before he noticed her though, she had been watching them. The way they interacted. They stood close, and she could tell by the lightness of the turians face that she meant business. She couldn't tell how Garrus was reacting, but a smile from the female let her know he probably meant business too…

 _He did mention blowing off steam didn't he…_

Lost in thought she hadn't realize he had seen her gaze. Shepard felt her stomach drop and she immediately felt sick. She threw him a quick smile, not the real one he was used to… Then turned to joined Liara at a table where she sat with Kaidan.

Garrus noticed the smile Shepard had given him as he watched her walk away. He didn't know where she had gone, but he instantly felt strange. This wasn't normal. Why would she give him that look? He found himself staring at the spot his Commander stood moments before. That's when he noticed the female looking up at him expectantly feeling her arm on his elbow.

"So… I'm Nayla… How about that drink?" She asked again sweetly.

How long had been been off in his own mind? How long had be been standing there silently with this stranger… staring at the empty spot Shepard had been. Garrus forced a smile, trying to relax his mandibles he nodded. In a slow turn, he ordered them both another round. Even with a pretty distraction he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Shepard did her best to push the feeling she had in her stomach to the side. She sat with her back to the bar as not to be tempted to watch Garrus and his date. What did she care if he was finding himself a nice lady to shack up with anyway… She didn't know why, but all of a sudden she really needed to get drunk. Really drunk. Like, 'I just stopped 10,000 batarian's from taking over Elysium' drunk or maybe 'I have feelings for my uninterested turian squamate' drunk…

Kaidan was eager to cater to Shepard and took the absence of Garrus as a sign that he could. Finally Garrus wasn't with her, so he could have some alone time. Well… Sorta, Liara was with them. Kaidan didn't mind Liara though, but it was hard not to notice how awkward she was. Having spent most her time alone working on dig sites really did a number on Liara's social skills. Surprisingly, despite Shepard having indirectly killed her mother, Liara seemed to be just as infatuated with the Commander as everyone else was.

"Can I get you anything to drink, Shepard?" Kaidan asked a little louder, having realized she couldn't hear his soft voice over the booming of the music and patrons.

"Yes. Whiskey. Double." She said. "Can you order me a couple?"

"You sure you want to be getting drunk the day before we head back out, Commander?" Kaidan joked standing.

"That's exactly why I want to be getting drunk. Plus it's Joker's birthday… that's why we're even here remember? Buy him one while you're at it." Shepard smiled as he walked to the bar. "So, Liara. How are you enjoying yourself?" She tried desperately to distract herself from what she had seen. But no matter what she couldn't stop thinking about it…What had she even seen though? Nothing. Not really.

 _Garrus was just standing there talking to a girl. As he should be. He is allowed to talk to females of his OWN species. Why do you even care? He deserves a break… to have fun, or be able to 'blow off steam' like everyone else. What is it to you?_

When she couldn't think of anything satisfying to tell herself, she decided it was time to suck it up. Shepard was just being protective because they were such good friends. Yeah, that was it…

Kaidan returned with an armful of drinks for the 3 of them, and she saw Joker lift his new drink in a distant cheer. Shepard returned the gesture downing her whiskey. Biting back the alcohol taste that stung her throat and burned her nose, she reached for the second one and knocked it back. Licking her lips she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, setting the empty glass in front of her. Shepard had seen Kaidan and Liara notice her but didn't react. The two of them exchanged a look and then began drinking as well.

"Do… you want me to get you another one, Shepard?" Kaidan asked when he saw her staring into the empty glasses she had just lined up evenly.

"I got this one. Are you guys ready? I'm buying. I plan on getting Joker very wasted tonight." The look they sent her indicated they weren't ready. How could they be? She was the one trying to drink her feelings away, not them.

"Hopefully not too wasted, we do need him functional." Kaidan laughed taking a sip trying to catch up.

Kaidan just returned no more than 3 minutes before with their drinks. They nodded anyway, what are they gonna deny the Commander the right to buy them all a round? Plus they at least had 10 minutes with the lines that were at the bar. After another minute Shepard turned and walked up to order them another round of drinks. She could already feel the warmth swimming through her belly and tickling her mind. Shepard walked to the opposite end from Garrus when she approached. He hadn't noticed her yet, thankfully. She ordered another two whiskey doubles, a beer for Kaidan and a honey mead for Liara. She tried buying Joker another but was told to get in line- everyone's goal was to get the birthday boy wasted. While she waited for their drinks she couldn't stop herself from watching Garrus interact with the female turian.

Shepard saw him shift his weight effortlessly, running his taloned hand down his fringe and neck in a elegant stretch. He had a confidence about him; one she always admired. Shepard had noticed in the past the looks he'd gotten- She was aware just how attractive he was to most women, no matter the species. She noticed he way the turian leaned into him and the lightness of her mandibles she she spoke. Shepard wondered what Garrus' face had looked like… Did he look as happy as that female did?

 _What do you care?_

Shepard realized the bartender has been saying something to her. When she came back to reality she paid the Volus, grabbed their drinks and began retreating.

Garrus could smell her though and turned just as she did- narrowly missing her eyes. He watched her crimson hair bounce away from the bar as she disappear into the bodies of the club goers.

As the night went on, Shepard drank more. It was safe to say that she was was drunk. She was really drunk. Actually, they had lost count of how many drinks she had over the course of the night. That many double whiskeys could even take the great Commander Shepard down. She sat at the table with Liara and Kaidan, the two of them also fairly drunk at this point in attempts to keep up. Kaidan had been non stop flirting with Shepard and given the circumstances she even flirted back. Hell, Liara even tried in her awkward way.

"I would LOVE to have you in a lab to study, Shepard… You are just so incredible… No.. wait… tha-that's not what I meant to say… I just meant, with all of your Prothean knowledge due to your contact with the beacon, and the cipher- Oh! Just imagine everything we could learn from each other! Oh… oh no… I am just making this worse aren't I… I must to apologize…" Liara was rambling taking anxious swigs of her mead.

Shepard didn't mind though, the rambling was rather adorable honestly and proved a great distraction. They talked and laughed about anything they could that didn't have to do with Saren, the geth or the Reapers. As the night progressed Shepard even considered taking one of them back to her room with her…

But like all night's this one was coming to an end. Shepard watched as her crew trickled out one by one making their way back to the Normandy. Both Liara and Kaidan still sat drinking with her. She wondered if they both secretly hoped they'd be the one to go home with her that night… Who would she chose?

 _Tough choice really. One is obsessed with you because of your connection to the Prothean beacon and the other is obsessed with you because you saved them from the Prothean beacon…_

Probably best not to go home with either of them now that she thought about it.

It was getting close to 0200 hours when Garrus finally walked up to their table. Shepard noticed him approaching in her peripheral — _he was_ _alone._ She swallowed down the rest of her drink, biting her lip shifting in her seat. In that moment she realized she really had been drinking a lot.

Garrus placed a warm taloned hand on her shoulder leaning down besides her. She looked sideways at him still holding her empty glass, her leg shaking restlessly. He didn't say anything, but held his mandibles close to his face staring into her eyes. With her free hand she pulled it to her mouth and began lightly biting her nail; a nervous habit she hadn't done in years. Shepard felt his sharp blue gaze still looking at her. She felt a warmth from him run through her. Was this the alcohol or Garrus? No one at the table spoke and Garrus noticed her breath quicken and her heartbeat rising on his visor.

"How nice of you to join us, Garrus." Shepard smiled, it was almost right…

"Shepard…" He purred so softly that the others at the table couldn't hear him.

Garrus reached his free hand out placing it over hers and the empty glass, holding them both in place. Kaidan and Liara had been watching them, but neither of them said anything. Desperately trying to eavesdrop. With the hand that rest on her shoulder he slid it closer to her face, brushing the side of her pink cheek with his thumb and tucking her hair behind an ear. It was every so slight, Kaidan or Liara would for sure have missed it if they hadn't been searching for it. Shepard swallowed and continued looking at the hand still holding hers around the empty glass.

"Come on. Lets get you out of this dump." Garrus stood, sliding the empty glass from her delicate fingers; setting it on the table amongst the others.

Shepard still sat looking at it. Everything felt light and somehow in slow motion. He reached a hand out in front of her and after a second she took it. Kaidan and Liara watched not saying a word as they turned and walked out of club. Once out of Flux Shepard remembered the female and spoke before she could stop herself.

"So… Mr. Vakarian…You seemed to be enjoying the 'scenery' inside. What happened to your new friend?"

"Spirits. Is that jealousy I hear, Commander Shepard?" Garrus joked looking at her.

"In your dreams, big guy." She said back giggling and swaying with each step.

With each drunken step she felt herself forgetting about the girl he had been talking to. She was forgetting that this may be her last time on the Citadel. Oddly, all she could think about was how damn bright the Citadel was. Garrus had always rambled on about how it was never dark in there… But there was something about being in fluorescents that late when you were this hammered that made every task just so much harder.

Shepard tried walking upright, she really did. But every so often she would lose her balance and trip. They couldn't help but laugh. Garrus had been drinking pretty heavily as well that night, but no where near the amount she had been. When her 'feet stopped working' Shepard fell down a small flight of stairs. How someone could be so graceful on the battlefield but so clumsy in the real world was beyond Garrus. She sat there at the bottom in a hysterical fit of laugher. Garrus was reminded again of just how beautiful she was, and seeing her there sobered him up just a bit. If she hadn't been hurt Garrus would have been laughing with her honestly. It was pretty funny how she acted when she had been drinking. He had seen it a few times before on the Normandy, but she had never been THIS drunk.

Garrus knelt down and slipped a long arm under her, pulling her close to him. She stood with one arm around his neck, his right arm holding her tightly around the chest at her ribcage. The way his hand felt there… She couldn't think about that now. They walked slowly side by side, as she limped in unison with his strides; making sure not to put pressure on her hurt ankle. It honestly didn't even hurt her hardly- a mild sprain at best, but she was having fun pretending that it did.

Their walk was long and peaceful and Garrus could smell her skin. By the time they stood outside the Normandy on the docking bay he had been engulfed in her. It was more intoxicating than anything he drank that night. Her scent was better than anything he had ever smelled. Shepard's skin was softer than anything he had touched. Before he knew what he was doing, he found himself close to her neck, taking a deep breath of lavender into his lungs. His mouth and nose lowered closer to her neck almost touching her with them. Garrus released his breath besides her ear, running his nose through her hair, tracing her hairline; she felt a wave run through her.

Shepard pushed into him more, turning to face him. She had an urgency about the way she leaned her head into his his cowl, closer to his face. Garrus could feel her shudder in his arms. Taking her free hand she placed it on his neck holding herself close to his mouth letting out a soft sigh. He reached down sliding his hand up her back, pulling her into him. His fingers braided through her hair. She let out a quiet gasp at his touch and he leaned into her neck pulling her even closer. Their faces were almost touching, breath hot and fast.

"Garrus…" Shepard said breathlessly as he felt something primal shift in him.

The way she had said his name made him burn for her, letting a small growl escape his lips. He had lost his composure. As if a switch was flipped they both were sent into a frenzy. She lifted a leg and was met with his hand pulling it onto his hip- pulling her onto him.

Simultaneously he lightly pulled her hair revealing her neck to him as he turned pushing her into the wall. Sliding his taloned hand from her knee to her thigh he helped her other leg wrap around him. Leaning his face into her neck, kissing it, running a blue tongue across it tasting her. Shepard let out a airy moan at his touch. The way he touched her with determination and strength was different than anything she had experienced. His lips were harder than a humans, but they felt amazing trailing her collarbone and shoulders. Garrus didn't know where his behavior came from, he was just reacting to her. It was instinctual. He somehow just knew how to touch her.

Garrus grabbed her hand sliding it up the wall holding it in place as he moved his face to hers again. They looked at each other for a moment and then she kissed him hard. She never imagined that feeling him like this would feel so right, but it did. With each embrace she could feel the growling in his chest growing, his desire and control slipping. She ached for him.

Shepard lightly caressed his tongue with her own, tasting him. Garrus slid a hand down her arm, down the side of her body ending at her hips. He pulled her into him more as they continued frantically kissing and pushing into each other as if they could never be close enough.

As fast as it started it was over. They heard the elevator arriving and quickly realized where they were. They had been on the docking bay outside of the Normandy almost… almost… could they even? This can't be normal… He lightly slid her down to the ground careful not to release her completely. Garrus couldn't bare not feeling her after that. Everything was going to be different now… He felt it.

"Well, look at you two being creepy and stuff in a dark corner." Joker let out walking past them with Tali towards the airlock. Tali had been mumbling at a volume they couldn't understand, clearly she also had a bit too much to drink. Joker looked back at the two standing there in silence. "You guys coming or what?"

Garrus helped Shepard over to the Normandy and when Joker noticed her foot he signed. "Really, Commander? You can't go a few days without getting yourself hurt?"

"You sure you wanna mess with me? You're basically made of glass, Joker. I could probably break your bones just by looking at you." Shepard laughed as the decontamination process started.

Shepard was trying hard not to think about what had just happened. She looked up at Garrus shyly, her eyes were soft and heavy. He smiled down at her holding her tightly enjoying her warmth.

"Wow, you really are drunk aren't you, Commander?" Joker asked when he saw how hard it was for her to walk straight even with Garrus leading her. "Here I was thinking the mighty Commander Shepard was unstoppable, a god among men— and women… Only to be taken out by a few drinks and a flight of stairs."

The look she gave him let him know he was done and he put his arms up defensively.

"Alright, alright, I'm going. Sleep tight you two." Joker said giving Garrus that same look from a few days ago. With a lazy salute he retreated to the cockpit.

Upon entering the doctor took one look at the Commander and Garrus and crossed her arms. The look she gave them was like they were a couple of kids that had just been caught sneaking out. Shepard covered her mouth and attempted to stand up straight. She was holding back a laugh. Shepard knew how obvious it had been that they were wasted but she didn't want to show it if possible. Somehow though she only seemed to make herself look more guilty.

Shepard let out a long sigh shaking her head. "Doesn't anyone sleep on this damn ship?"

"You. Med bay. Now, Commander." Chakwas said with a small smile pointing to the stairs. "Garrus, I'll need you to accompany us if you would." Chakwas lead them down the stairs into the Normandy's Med Bay.

Garrus carefully sat her down on one of the beds. Shepard tucked a hair behind her ear, flinching when the doctor rotated her ankle checking the damage. A minor sprain like they suspected, nothing serious but she'd need to be careful on it for a couple days. FTL was fast, but she should have the time she needed.

"See? I told you. Not that bad. I just missed a few stairs, honestly I've had much worse. Remember that time I fell of a 2 story building?" Shepard reached an arm out placing it on Chakwas' shoulder giving it a light shake.

Shepard had her ankle wrapped for some extra support and Chakwas left Garrus in charge of escorting the Commander back to her quarters. As they approached the door it slid open allowing them to walk in. He walked her over to the bed where she laid down. Seeing her laying reminded him of that time back on Therum. Her hair spread around her like wildfire. She gave him a big pure smile reaching her arm out for him to take. Garrus stood there a moment looking down at his Commanding officer wondering if this was a good idea… Should he be there? They both had been drinking and Shepard seemed really vulnerable.

"Shepard… I…" He stated as he ran a hand over his fringe and down her neck the way she loved.

Shepard sat up at looked up at him. She grabbed a taloned hand in hers and pulled him down to her level. Garrus kneeled in front of her looking at his feet. She moved her arm up slowly resting it on the side of his face softly.

"Hey. It's okay. We don't…" She stopped, biting her lip. The room was spinning slightly around him.

"I… don't want you to think you have to do this. I may be your Commanding Officer but I'm not gonna make you sleep with me." Shepard let out a laugh removing her hand anxiously. "I've been drinking, you've been drinking… it's been a long couple months…" She set her hands in her lap.

"It's not that, Shepard. I just don't know if this is the time for… whatever this is." His voice was soft but his words still stung her and she felt an ache in her chest.

She looked down at her hands laying there limply in her lap. She began to wonder if she had gone too far. In a drunken stupor did she ruin her only true friendship? She never should have drank so much… She never should have kissed him. He probably didn't even feel the same way about her… And was only reacting the way any man would in that situation. Shepard knew this was a bad idea, knew the possibilities… but that didn't stop the way she was feeling about him. The way she had been feeling about him.

"I understand. You're right." Shepard said clearing her throat. "I don't know what I was thinking… I'm sorry, Garrus." She began to feel a little embarrassed and for a moment she wish none of this had happened.

"Jane… That's not what I meant." Reaching out a long taloned hand he pulled her chin to face him again.

Leaning closer to her, there was only a few inches between them now. He could see how fast her heart had been beating on his visor, how her body heat was rising. This had been one of the only times he had called her by her first name. She was surprised and in that moment she sobered up a bit. There was something jarring about hearing him purr her name like that. It scared her. It excited her.

He leaned forward resting his forehead against hers.

"Shepard. I… we can't do this." Garrus' voice was soft.

"Why not?" Shep asked lightly closing her eyes.

"It's just not the time, Shepard…"

Shepard knew he was right. Getting involved further would complicate things. She could hardly believe she wanted him so badly. Being the person to always put duty first, and feelings second. But now, she wanted to say to hell with the rules. They had acted on their impulses and she couldn't help but think that they already had taken things too far. She knew he was right though. If they did this they couldn't go back. They already were dangerously close to the point of no return.

Shepard nodded and leaned into him. They sat on the floor of her cabin propped against her bed. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. The silence surrounded them and for the first time in months she fell asleep with ease. For the first time in months she didn't dream of the beacon.


	5. I will be the Pattern of Patience

CH 5

No, I will be the Pattern of all Patience; I will say Nothing

As hard as Shepard tried getting back to normal over the next few days she couldn't. Since whatever happened that night did, things had been a little weird. I mean how do you go back to making jokes after you almost slept with your Commanding Officer? The truth was you didn't. They both knew that they had opened pandoras box and that closing it wouldn't be possible. Even though they agreed this wasn't the time, it couldn't change what was there. Garrus still felt drunk off her scent. She still trusted him with her life. What really had changed… well, besides everything.

Shepard noticed how Garrus watched her like a hawk on the battlefield and after a few missions she felt them slip back into their familiar roles on the field. Best friends… Partners. No matter what they were, that wasn't a discussion for today. They could think about personal feelings once they nailed that son of a bitch Saren. Once he was in custody and the Reapers had been stopped, then she could think about herself.

Things had been tense between Garrus and Kaidan though since that night. The two of them always seemed to be at each others throats. It had been obvious that they never really liked each other, but things were more tense somehow. It was usually Kaidan starting it though, and Garrus being the hothead he was couldn't help himself. He kept falling for Kaidan's tricks every time. It actually was pretty annoying to everyone on the ship, but most people knocked it off to Kaidan's L2 implants making him irritable. Maybe that was part of it, he did get terrible migraines from them… Shepard knew it had been more than that though.

If Kaidan hadn't become a good friend of Shepard's these last few months, she'd have kicked him off the ship ages ago. The two of them never were as close as she had been with Garrus, but they still had something. Shepard knew their bond had to do with their first big mission together on Eden Prime. It felt like so long ago… And honestly she felt like he helped keep a balance to their team usually. Maybe not as much right now with his blatant disregard for Garrus, but in general he was a good man and he had honorable intentions.

That night at Flux Shepard had been laying on the charm pretty thick and probably gave Kaidan the wrong idea about them more than once. But what did he think would happen? She honestly did like Kaidan a little. He was cute, and innocent. He was loyal to the Alliance like a well trained varren, which now that she thought about it maybe wasn't the nicest comparison. But she meant well. Bottom line was she respected him as a soldier. Kaidan was never anyone she could be with romantically though, maybe a one night stand but nothing more. He was far too judgmental and that same dog like quality she admired in him was one that she also hated.

Shepard sat in her quarters reading a book. She loved technology but there was just something wrong to her about reading fiction off of a data pad. Shepard's favorite thing on Mindoir had been her mothers book collection. She wasn't able to retrieve them all due to the fires, but many years ago she made a trip to her old family home. Almost everything had been destroyed, or looted. She found that the fond memories she had of that place were no longer so. Instead replaced with flashes of death.

Even with such extensive damage, she managed to find a few things worth saving. Some of it she had with her, but most of it was in a random apartment back on the Citadel that she hadn't even had time to move into. The Council gave it to her, part of being a Spectre I guess. But what good is an apartment if you never have the ability to use it? Well, at least this way she had a really nice, really free, storage locker. One thing she always kept with her though was the book she read from now… The pages smelled old and brought back memories of her mother and sunlight.

" _Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody._ " Shepard read aloud to the empty room.

She had been reading _The Catcher in the Rye_. Shepard had always been drawn to this book. Mostly because it was about a young soul struggling with himself, trying to make it from one place to another. Dealing with the person he was, meeting the person he was to become. She related to Holden. Yeah, debatably he was insane… Okay, he pretty clearly was insane. But, no one was perfect.

Shepard had her fair share of baggage. Seeing the shit that she had didn't leave you untouched. She really was okay though. Shepard knew those things happened. She chose not to let them run her life, but be a part of it. She saw a part of herself in the book. Maybe a part of herself she knew she couldn't change, but needed to learn to live with. That running didn't solve anything— she couldn't be like that. Not ever.

Every time Jane read that book she saw something new in it. She saw something differently…Maybe that was the real reason she loved it so much. Well, that and her mother always had liked it. She would have loved to read this book each year with her mom, talking about what they got from it this time… But that could never happen. This time when she read it she felt how relatable that last quote had been. She had gotten too close to Garrus and his absence from her day to day life left her empty. She not only missed his company, but she missed everyone she ever had but couldn't hold onto. She felt lonely in a ship full of friends. Her and Garrus may have been the same when they were out on a mission, but ever sense that night he had changed.

The Normandy had been a place they could always relax, wind down and talk. Shepard almost started hating being on the ship, because it meant he would be off calibrating and avoiding her. She half saw this coming though really. Shepard had acted on impulse and now she was dealing with the consequences. She wished again for a moment that this hadn't happened. Having this awkwardness between them was distracting. It would have been better to just keep her feelings secret. Thank you, alcohol.

Tossing the book to the side she groaned and buried her face into her hands in aggravation. w

 _What have you done you idiot._

As if the universe saw her breaking, her pleading was answered. Joker piped in over the com letting her know that the Council was on the line for her. Not waiting for him to disconnect she was already up and on her way to the debriefing room. They had information on Saren. A Salarian reconnaissance team was stationed on a planet called Virmire investigating reports on Saren. This was their first real lead in months. Since they had done everything in their ability up to that point Shepard directed Joker to the Hoc system. Shepard felt hopeful that maybe this would be the mission they would catch him. Maybe then they could… No. Not now.

It took about 12 hours to reach Virmire from their location. Shepard's ankle had long healed and their night together was slipping away like a distant memory. The anticipation was killing her, she could feel something big was waiting for them there. But what was it? Those hours seemed longer than their whole 3 plus months flying around chasing leads that went no where. She felt anxious and restless. Not even her models could keep her busy.

Garrus spent most his time down in Engineering even when the rest of the crew had been spending time together in the Mess Hall. Anytime she would drop by for a visit he would claim to be busy calibrating something. If he didn't want to come up to see her, did he also not want her to go see him?

 _Probably. He just realized this was all a mistake and now he's just avoiding you at all costs until he can get the fuck out of there._

It hurt to think about. This was a very real possibility though, so she forced herself to think on it a bit longer. If nothing else having thought about it so much should make the pain of it being reality a little easier. Even with her doubts, she told herself to try one last time. When she realized he wasn't going to be joining them yet again, she decided that now was as good a time as any. They were best friends after all right? It was perfectly normal for her to walk down there to talk to him. Plus this was HER ship, she could go wherever she wanted.

Shepard had been holding onto the sniper she picked up for him since that night. She didn't know if it would be even weirder now that they had… She decided she spent the 300,000 credits and god damn it, she was gonna get her monies worth. Making her way to Engineering gun in tow she grew anxious. When the doors opened she saw his familiar shape to the right by the Mako. His talons clicking away at the console no doubt calibrating something… No doubt avoiding her… She stood in the elevator clutching the gun watching him.

"Are you just gonna stand there all night, Shepard? You know I can smell you right?" Garrus asked after a few minutes not turning to face her. She could tell he was being playful so she stepped out of the elevator slowly approaching him.

"You can SMELL me? That's just creepy, Vakarian." She laughed standing behind him stiffly, she could feel her heart racing.

Garrus finished up turning to face her. His face was light and his mandibles held lose to his face. He looked deeply into her eyes sending her stomach into knots. After a second he slid his eyes down to her hands where she gripped a Spectre requisition riffle. Her fingers turning white from holding it so tightly. Shepard let out the breath she had been holding, loosened her grip extending the gun to him.

His mandibles twitches as his jaw lowered in surprise, eyes filling with confusion. She swallowed closing the space between them placing the gun into his hands. Garrus looked down at it in a complete loss for words. Garrus had known how much these riffles cost… He knew how often he complained about his current sniper but it was mostly out of fun never meant to make her feel obligated to replace it.

"I picked this up when we were on shore leave. I'd been meaning to give it to you earlier actually. It just didn't seem like the right time." Shepard didn't look at him but kept her eyes on the riffle he now held.

"And now is?" Garrus asked with slight suspicion in his voice as he studied her, noticing she wouldn't make eye contact.

"I think so, yeah." Shepard nodded moving her eyes to meet his finally. "I got a bad feeling about this one, Garrus."

He didn't say anything. But as she said that he knew she was right. This mission was different. Garrus just continued watching her. It wasn't like her to talk like this. What did he know though, they hadn't really done a mission like this before had they? Plus, he had been distancing himself from her…He hoped that the space would help them focus on the mission. That maybe these feelings would go away, and they could just be friends again… Even though he wanted more. He wanted her. Being alone with her proved the distance didn't help.

"There's something big on Virmire. I can feel it. If something happens, I just wanted you to have it. I just wanted you to know that I'm proud of you. You've become a really close friend of mine… " They both stood there in silence and after a second her tone changed- it was lighter, more like the Shepard he knew. "Plus, you've had that damn riffle for too long. It's time for a new one. I have more credits that I know what to do with. Please, just take it and shut up." She smiled her big smile.

Before he knew it he had reached out, grabbing the side of her neck and face lightly. Garrus pulled her close to him. The riffle slid from his fingers to the floor as he wrapped his other arm around her holding her closely.

"Garrus…" Shepard breathed into his chest heavily. "We…" She stopped when he tilted her neck up to face him.

"Thank you, Jane." He leaned in and their foreheads touched. They stood there, embracing each other not saying a word.

The hours past and they were in orbit of Virmire. Reaching the ground team had been relatively easy. The three of them were dropped with the Mako on surface with one goal: Reach the STG. When they landed they were able to truly admire Virmire. And boy was it truly beautiful, it was warm and tropical. Garrus mentioned that it reminded him of home, of Palaven. Shepard found herself wondering about his family during their drive. Garrus never really spoke about them but she had found out he had both of his parents and a younger sister names Solana. From what she could tell, they were all on speaking terms, but Shepard had known how strict Garrus' father was. She remembered back to one of the first times they spoke, Garrus had told her that his father would hate her… It didn't bother her then but now when she thought about it she didn't like the idea.

When they made it to the camp, things went from kinda sorta okay, to pretty bad. Their arrival on Virmire hadn't been a secret, all the geth forces and probably Saren had been alerted to the Normandy's arrival. Great. As if that wasn't bad enough they had all been informed on what Saren had been up to these last few months. He had created a cure for the geneophage. How he managed this, none of them knew. A cure was the furthest thing from the Council's mind, considering the reason it was created to begin with. The worst part was that he wasn't doing it out of the goodness of his heart. Saren created this cure to breed an unstoppable krogan army.

Just what they needed, right? Well, Wrex seemed to think so. He threw a complete fit sending the crew was into shambles. Ashley had always been suspicious of him, and this temper tantrum wasn't helping. He had a point though, the salarian Captain had referred to the krogan race as a 'mistake'. Wrex had every right to feel defensive. None the less, this wasn't the time to be dividing their team so Shepard went to speak with him.

"Wrex, are you okay?" Shepard stopped next to him watching as he shot bullet after bullet into the water aimlessly.

"What do you think, Shepard? Saren is the only one helping my people… He's the only one that even cares if there is a cure. How can I just sit back and let you destroy the only hope the krogan have?" Wrex asked loudly, anger was filling his voice.

"Wrex, I know what you're saying but you have to listen to me. He is not trying to help the krogan. Saren is breeding an army of mindless slaves. If we don't stop him, you won't even be around to reap the benefits." She stood tall and straight, trying to keep her voice both strong and non-threatening.

Shepard noticed Garrus standing behind Wrex about 12 meters away watching intently. The rest of her crew hadn't noticed their heated conversation, but of course Garrus had. He held his new riffle tightly not blinking. If Wrex was going to make a move, he would be faster. Garrus could understand where Wrex was coming from. Hell, as crazy as it sounds he even considered him a friend. But if it came down to Wrex or Shepard he wouldn't have hesitated to pull the trigger.

"Shepard… God damn it!" Wrex pulled his gun on her pointing it at her head.

She didn't move. She didn't blink. She kept her arms lightly raised, and her brows straight. "Wrex, please. You have to know this isn't the way. Those aren't your people. We have to stick together."

Shepard glanced over at Garrus who now had his riffle raised, eye to the scope- ready to fire in a moments notice. The look she gave him made him stand down, he hoped this wasn't one of those orders he'd regret following.

"You…. You're right." Wrex lowered the gun after a moment speaking again. "You've done a lot for me, Shepard. I don't like it. But I'm going to trust you." Wrex turned forcefully leaving her on the beach alone.

Garrus ran up to Shepard afterwards, standing a little too close. He reached an arm out placing it on her shoulder. She slid her eyes from the sand to meet his. She let out a deep breath pinching the bridge of her nose. Was she really trying to stop from laughing right now? After all that?

The answer was yes. She was. She dropped her hand letting out a deep laugh. "Well, I think that went pretty well." She smiled up at Garrus, his hand still on her shoulder, the distance between them growing smaller.

"I don't know what I would have done if he pulled that trigger…" Garrus moved the taloned hand from her shoulder to chin holding it lightly.

"I can handle an angry krogan. It's gonna take a lot more than a bullet to kill me, Garrus. You should know that." Shepard leaned into her hip crossing her arms.

"You're still human, Shepard. You don't have to do everything by yourself. You're not… alone here." His hand still rested lightly on her chin. Shepard swallowed looking up at him feeling her pulse rising steadily.

"I know." She smiled sharing a look with him. Trust. Understanding.

Shepard turned hearing Ashley walking towards them. She looked on edge, they all had been since they heard they'd be heading to Virmire. Shepard thought maybe she was the only one who felt something here, but it was clear that everyone knew something big was waiting for them.

"Commander." Ashley nodded to the both of them as they stepped apart a little too obviously. "Kirrahe would like to speak to you. I think it's time to get this show on the road, Skipper." Ashley said as they all turned, walking to the tents.

After a long, and very enthusiastic speech to his men; Kirrahe turned to Shepard and explained the plan. If you could really call it that. The Captains 'plan' required a lot of risk, skill and pure blind luck. He was going to split his men into 3 groups. Most of them would attack the front of the facility as a distraction while Shepard's team snuck around back. The ultimate goal was to arm a nuclear bomb on the facility blowing it all to pieces. But, he needed something else. They all knew the risks- that most of them would die… That's what made Kirrahe's next question so hard. He would need one of Shepard's crew to assist him.

The decision wasn't easy. Both Kaidan and Ashley piped in stating why they'd be the better choice. However Ashley made a better argument- they would need Kaidan to arm that bomb. Knowing the risks, they agreed Chief Williams would be the best choice in the situation. Captain Kirrahe told them to prepare because the more time they sat here, the more time was wasted. They all knew it was true. The time for goodbyes had come and past, but Shepard turned to Kaidan and Ashley with a sweet smile anyway.

"I'll make this short, we don't have a lot of time… But you two have been with me since the beginning. We're gonna get this son of a bitch. And when we're done, we're going to get really, really drunk." They shares a weak sad laugh, the heaviness weighing them down.

It was time to get this show on the road. Ashley went with Kirrahe while Kaidan back to the Normandy to prepare the bomb with the other team. Shepard brought Wrex and Garrus along with her on the assault. The back entrance was definitely easier to get to, but still was filled with enemies. Their initial push took a little longer than planned… Captain Kirrahe was killed. Ashley took it on herself to take over as team leader holding the line as Shepard's squad made their way through the base.

Finally the three of them reached Saren's lab. They were met by an asari named Rana. Begging for her life, she told them what the facility had been doing these last few months. Apparently Saren had been studying the effects of his ship, Sovereign on peoples minds. During their hunt they grew familiar with the the effects that Saren and his flagship had on those around them. But it seemed from his research that Saren was scared. He was studying indoctrination because he feared he himself may have been effected… Saren wanted to know how it worked. How to stop it. In exchange for the asari's life, although Shepard would never have killed her; Rana had given them full access to Saren's lab.

Finally, they would get some information. When they entered the lab however there were no desks, no data pads, no research… Only a big empty room with stairs leading down and the path in front of them to a catwalk suspended overlooking three large windows. There was nothing in the room except a beacon with a control panel below it. Not exactly what they wanted, but headache or not she needed to see what was on this one. She needed too see just who that console connected to.

Shepard slowly approached the beacon. Garrus had heard her describe what they looked like, what it felt like… but this was nothing like he could have imagined. The beacon stood tall and thin like a pillar. It had all different shades of green swimming as smoke around it. It lit up in some areas, moving like water mixing with blood down a drain. It seemed to be pulsing with energy. He had never seen anything like it. Garrus noticed her getting closer to the beacon, whatever she was going to do he didn't like it.

"Shepard…" Garrus spoke behind her that light purr almost like a growl.

"It's okay, Garrus. Trust me." Shepard didn't look to him, only reaching a hand back towards his direction.

Garrus held back himself back watching her fingers come into contact with the beacon. When she touched it, it pulled her up into the air forcefully. As if a string ran through her torso, pulling from her chest. The action sent the crimson of her hair back as her head hung lose behind her. Arms laying lifelessly to the sides. Garrus attempted to walk up to her but Wrex shook his head extending an arm to stop him. Reluctantly he knew Wrex was right. Shepard knew what she was doing, she had done this before… After a minute the beacon dropped her to the ground in a loud thud of albatic armor.

The two of them rushed to her side. Garrus kneeled to her as she slowly leaned up. Shepard shook her head letting out a sigh as he helped her to her feet. Garrus held her close as she grabbed her forehead squinting her eyes. He wasn't sure why, but he kept feeling himself needing to be close to her. Garrus didn't care that Wrex was there… He felt his instincts telling him to protect her.

"I don't think I will ever be used to that…" Shepard shook her head standing straight. After a nod to Garrus informing him that she was in fact alright she began again. "Good news is, I didn't pass out this time." Shepard threw him a reassuring smile. Garrus released his grip on her, but he stood close still gazing down intently.

 _What the hell was that? What happened couldn't be normal. It just couldn't._

He remembered Liara had said that it was remarkable that the beacon hadn't killed Shepard on Eden Prime, but now he seemed to understand how right she had been. After a moment allowing Shepard to collect herself, they noticed a flicker of red above them on the catwalk. The three of them approached the red hologram cautiously, as a figure appeared before them. It looked like a bug of some sort… Like Sovereign, Saren's flagship…

"You are not Saren." The deep grumble stated. It sounded mechanical booming like thunderous storm around them.

"Is this some kind of…. VI or something, Shepard?" Wrex voiced behind her looking up at the red ominous figure.

"Rudimentary creatures born of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding." The deep red hologram taunted them.

"I don't think this is a VI…" Garrus answered softly.

They all felt a chill run through them. Something was definitely going on here.

"There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign."

"Sovereign isn't just some Reaper ship Saren found… It's an actual Reaper!" Shepard stepped back in shock lighting bumping into Garrus. She was actually talking to a ship.

No, not a ship. A Reaper. The Reaper. She was talking to an ancient, sentient machine. One that was responsible for the extinction of the Protheans. One that would bring about their extinction… She knew Virmire was going to be big. But she hadn't seen this coming.

"Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they chose to call us in irrelevant. We simply are."

"There's no way this thing was there when the Protheans were attacked. That was over 50,000 years ago. It's impossible." Garrus said over Shepard's shoulder.

"Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

"No!" Shepard stepped forward pointing a finger at the hologram mostly out of habit, she knew this gesture meant nothing to Sovereign. "There is an entire galaxy of races united and ready to face you. We will stop you." She felt herself growing angry.

"Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken." His deep cold automated voice mocked her.

"Cycle? What cycle?" Wrex questioned growing aggravated behind Shepard at the hologram.

"The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished. The Protheans were not the first. They did not created the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them. The legacy of my kind. Your technology is based on the mass relays. Our technology. By using them, civilization develops along the path we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist only because we allow it. And you shall end because we demand it." The threat echoed around them in a cold dark monotone.

"Oh spirits… They're harvesting us! They let us advance to the level they need and then wipe us out…" Garrus ran a hand stressfully over his fringe shaking his head. Wrex bounced in place angrily, pounding his fist into his hand with a snarl.

The conversation continued and with each answer the room grew more tense. Shepard asked where they came from, but was given a vague, annoying answers. They had no beginning. They had no end. The Reapers were infinite… and even millions of years after she was dead the Reapers would endure. There was one thing Shepard knew for sure now, Sovereign was confident. Successfully wiping out cycle after cycle was bound to do that though.

Shepard had to figure out why the Reapers were doing this… What did they want? Did they want slaves? Resources? What could they possibly gain from these harvests. But her questions were met with more arrogance and little useful information.

' _We are beyond your understanding. We are each a nation, all free of weakness. Independent. You cannot even grasp the nature of our existence._ '

How could a synthetic machine be so irritating and smug? Shepard wasn't sure but she kept questions anyway. Never getting anything she could use didn't stop her from trying. Sovereign still stood as a red hologram so she kept asking.

"Where are the rest of you? Are you the last of your kind?" Shepard was almost shouting at this point.

"We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your destiny. You cannot escape your doom." Sovereign threatened.

"You're wrong." Shepard stepped closer again, her breath grew even. "You're not even alive. Not really. You are just a machine, and machines can be broken."

"Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over." The deep mechanical said as it disconnected. The bright red hologram fizzed out and the room was replaced with empty silence.

Moments after the silence came destruction. The windows in front of them busted inwards sending glass at them. Garrus and Shepard turned into each other blocking their faces from the crashing.

"Fuck!" Shepard exclaimed looking around them at the mess.

"This can't be happening. There is no way-" But before she could finish Joker piped in through the coms, finally.

"Uh, Commander. We have some trouble up here!"

"Lay it on me, Joker." Shepard said back trying to remain calm.

"That ship? Sovereign? Yeah, well it's moving. I'm not sure what you did down there, but that thing just pulled a turn that would sheer any of our ships in half. It's headed your way, and it's coming hard! You need to wrap things up. And fast, Commander." Joker urged her as he disconnected.

"Shepard. What do you want to do?" Garrus and Wrex had both been looking at her as she stood staring towards the beacon in silence.

"The only thing we can. We have to arm that nuke. Lets go." She signaled for them to follow her and proceeded to the elevator to the outside of Saren's lab.

They made their way through the hordes of geth and krogan trying to stop them. Ultimately though they made it out with minor injuries. Nothing a little medi-gel couldn't fix-, at least until they could have Dr. Chakwas check them out. Any real damage had been masked by adrenaline. Shortly after reaching the rendezvous location, the Normandy landed to meet them. Kaidan ascended the ship with some of the STG nuke in tow. Just when it seemed like they were going to get this bomb off successfully, Ashley chimed over the com stating she had been pinned down. There was no hope for her, they were all going to die over there.

Shepard should have just enough time to get to Ashley while Kaidan finished arming the bomb. She would be able to get there, bring Ash back to Kaidan and they would all leave on the Normandy without a hitch… The bomb would go off. The cure destroyed… They would be okay.

Only for some reason Shepard knew that wouldn't happen. She had no reason to feel this way, they really should have enough time. But Shepard had felt something low in her gut on the elevator towards Ashely… Something wasn't right. Something was going to go wrong. Garrus looked at her, seeing the distress trickling on his visor. Smelling the fear seeping from her skin.

About halfway between Ashley and Kaidan, her fears had been confirmed confirmed. Shepard watched as a large geth ship approached the area where Kaidan was arming the bomb. As if on queue in came a crackle followed by Ashley's in her ear.

"Careful over there, LT. Reinforcements incoming."

"I know, they're already here…" Kaidan breathed heavily into the com.

"How bad is it? Can you handle it, Lieutenant?" Shepard stepped to the side, her breath quickened matching her heartbeat.

"Negative. There are too many. I don't think we can survive until you made it…" He said over gunshots, after a second he spoke again. "I am arming the bomb, Commander."

"What the hell are you doing, Alenko?" Shepard was pacing now.

"It's done. Go get Williams. Get out of here!" Kaidan yelled in all of their ears.

"Screw that, LT! We can handle ourselves! Go back and get Alenko!" Ashley shouted over them.

Garrus and Wrex stood back watching. Garrus could see her stats running wild on his visor, watching her walk back and forth. She knew then that she had to make a choice. This was what she had been feeling… Shepard had to chose between Kaidan and Ashley. The gravity of the situation was hitting her, sending her breath into a fit. Garrus watched her hair blowing in the wind rapidly.

Shepard leaned over the railing taking only a minute to think, knowing each second endangered the whole operation. Not just the two lives dangling in front of her. She had to react. She had to decide. Shepard breathed out heavily bit into her lip. The cool metallic of her blood running into her mouth, she sent a tongue out and began to speak.

"Alenko… Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site…" Shepard's voice was heavy.

"Y-yes… Commander… I…" Kaidan began to speak but was interrupted by Ashley.

"You know it's the right choice, LT…" You could tell by the way she spoke that Ashley was scared. She knew this was the end.

"Ash… I'm sorry… I had to make a choice…" Shepard let out lightly closing her eyes, wishing there was another way.

"I understand, Skipper. I don't regret a thing." And Ashley disconnected.

Shepard lost control for a moment and kicked a near by crate, breaking it. If it hurt her foot, she couldn't feel it in that moment. Garrus walked up to her, pulling her into him. He held her face in his hands and looked at her, fearing he would lose her in that moment.

"Shepard. I know what this must feel like… But, we have to get back to Kaidan." Garrus felt her nodding in his hands, as she pulled away running back to the elevator.

When they reached the bomb site it had been overrun with enemies. Only this time a familiar face made an appearance. Saren. Finally. Garrus and Wrex had taken to helping protect the bomb with Kaidan. Shepard was ready to face Saren. Stepping out of cover she unloaded a clip into him, watching as nothing happened but a sizzle of his shields she let out a heavy sigh.

"I applaud you, Shepard. What an impressive diversion… Of course, it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what we've accomplished here… You can't possibly understand what is at stake."

Saren walked closer to her. He had no weapons drawn, but still was terrifying. The unnatural blue shine in his eyes made her uneasy. The mechanical tubes running throughout his body. How had the Council not suspected him of being evil. Just looking at him he looked like a villain from one of those Blastos films. Hell, depending on how this goes he may be the NEXT Blastos villain…

"Why are you doing this?" Shepard pleaded still holding her gun pointed at him.

"You of all people should know what the Reapers are capable of… You've seen the visions from the beacon, Shepard. It cannot be stopped. They cannot be stopped. This is a pointless revolt… Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. The Protheans tried to fight and they were utterly destroyed. Trillions of lives wasted… But, what if they had bowed down to the invaders? Would the Protheans still exist? Is submission not preferable to extinction?" He gazed at her pacing effortlessly like he knew she couldn't kill him.

"How can you truly believe that the Reapers would let us live?"

"Do you see now? How could I ever come to the Council with this… None of you understand. You're all driven by your emotions… If we would just submit to the Reapers… Do as they will; think Shepard of all the lives that would be saved… Once I understood this, realized what I could do- I joined Sovereign willingly."

"Willingly? You think you're somehow immune to the effects Sovereign has? To his indoctrination?" Shepard questioned stepping closer to him.

"I…I am aware of the effects of indoctrination. The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable the subject becomes. That is my saving grace…" Saren was less confident than before.

"No, Saren. He has you under his thumb and you can't even see it." Shepard was shaking her head inching closer.

"Sovereign needs me! Without me he cannot find the Conduit. My mind is still my own!" He spat back, she could feel he was beginning to get annoyed filling with rage. "The transformation can be subtle… I am aware of this. But I intend to keep my mind as my own, Shepard."

Behind Saren, Shepard could see her squad fighting off mob after mom of husks. They were trying to engulf them, running at the bomb. Each one had been stopped before making contact as she knew the would. Her team was good. They could do this. Shepard made eye contact with Garrus for a second, the look he saw in her eyes he didn't like. She turned her gaze back to Saren.

"Saren…" Shepard lowered her gun, placing it on her hip. "Together we can stop Sovereign… We don't have to submit to the Reapers, we can beat them!"

Garrus watched her lower her gun and felt his stomach drop.

 _No. Oh, please no. Don't try to talk your way out of this, Shepard._

Before he could indulge his fear further he was forced to continue defending the bomb.

"I no longer believe that, Shepard… The visions cannot be denied. Our only hope of survival is to join them. I am forging an alliance between us and the Reapers… Can't you see none of this has been for myself? I did this for the galaxy. This alliance is the only thing that will keep us from total extinction. It is inevitable… This is the only way…. You…. You would undo my work…" Saren grew hot with anger as he started stepping towards her. "You would doom our entire civilization into complete annihilation!" Saren stomped closer to her closing the gap his arm stretched towards her.

"For that, you must die, Shepard."

Shepard fumbled for her gun but he knocked her off balance grabbing her by the throat. Saren pushed her backwards into water that ran at their feet, holding her head under. Shepard struggled gasping for air, her arms swinging aimlessly searching for a face, something to hit. Her legs kicking under him. After a moment Saren pulled her head out shaking her. Shepard gasp coughing out water, stumbling to find her breath. Saren pulled her through the wadding water lifting her by the neck. She felt what little air she had left in her lungs leaving her body as she struggled at the taloned hand gripping her. Shepard could feel his talons puncturing either side of her neck, the warm blood trickled down into her armor. Saren was squeezing so tight she felt the world fading to black… she was going to lose. She was going to die.

Garrus noticed Shepard losing consciousness in his hand, her arms dropping from the grip around her neck. He had to do something. Immediately Garrus focused on Saren, unloading a concussive shot into him. The blast caused Saren to stagger, giving Shepard enough time to react; she quickly pulled her fist back, unloading it with full force into Saren's face.

He dropped her, falling backwards into the water. Shepard landed with a splash gasping, trying to focus on something. She grabbed her neck seeing white specks swimming all around her. Everything was black in the moments before, she couldn't make out her surroundings. The darkness was replaced by an overwhelming white and a moment later she felt Garrus grabbing her frantically. Shepard had been coughing, fumbling for her gun. Aiming at nothing. Searching for Saren.

It was too late. He had already started his escape and the sound of the nuke's countdown boom loudly around them. Watching Saren soar away as she struggled to breath was incredibly difficult for Shepard. She tried speaking but couldn't, he must have bruised her windpipe or something… She couldn't focus on that right then with the alarm blaring she knew they only had minutes left. Garrus looked at the blood that ran down her neck, shooting her a look of pure unchecked rage.

Shepard quickly shook her head at him, there wasn't time for this. Not now. He knew the look she had given him to be true. The time for vengeance would come. Now they needed to met up with Kaidan and Wrex. Now they needed to get the hell out of there.

The Normandy made it out of orbit with mere seconds to spare. They had won in a sense. Shepard finally had the missing piece of information they needed. The piece that would crack the case wide open. They had blown up the 'cure' and most of Sovereign's krogan army. They knew without a doubt that the Reapers were real, she had spoke to one. They knew that they were coming. There was no hiding from their destiny any longer. Shepard didn't like to think about the damage that would happen if the Council wouldn't believe her…

Shepard had been rushed to Med Bay for her injuries. Dr. Chakwas was not happy, and Shepard didn't look good. Her neck having the worst of it, she had a fractured Larynx and two crescent shaped cuts on either side of her neck each about an inch in length. Her neck was decorated with a large brown-purple bruise from side to side. Shepard couldn't really speak, which made relaying any information they'd discovered really difficult.

Not that it mattered though, Dr. Chakwas wouldn't allow Shepard to join with Liara yet. Shepard needed to rest for at least a full 24 hours. Doctors orders. It was a good thing she had no voice to protest with because had she, the doctor wouldn't hear the last of it.


	6. One thing to be tempted, another to Fall

CH 6

Tis one thing to be Tempted, Another thing to Fall

It had been three days since Virmire. Since Shepard had found out who the real queen on this chess board was. It had been three days since her injuries and since her altercation with Saren. It had been three days since she chose to save Kaidan over Ashley. It had been three days… three days of feeling responsible. Feeling guilty. Three long days of waiting, not being able to do a damn thing. Three days without Chief Williams.

Garrus even found himself missing Ashley. He'd look over to his right expecting to see her… But she no longer stood there. She was no longer working on their weapons. The space was just empty. It was no secret that they weren't the best of friends when initially meeting, but like most the crew they became closer than expected. Ashley had started out very suspicious of the aliens on board the Normandy. After all those missions working alongside Wrex and Garrus, she had warmed up to them. He even considered them friends. Garrus could see that Ashley had changed for the better… Shepard had helped Ashley like she helped him. Like she had helped everyone.

Shepard was released after 24 hours as promised. During her short stint in the Med Bay Garrus had visited her about once an hour until Dr. Chakwas made him to stay. Shepard found it funny how Garrus mysteriously didn't have any more calibrations to run all of a sudden. It was in moments like that where Shepard could forget about Virmire. When she could forget what was coming. Although it was nice to have a taste of blissful ignorance, she could never stay distracted for long. Her mind always went back to that day. Back to what lie ahead.

The crew hadn't taken Ashley's death easy, but being part of a the military you sort of had to expect this kind of thing from time to time. Preparing for something like that mentally versus actually being faced with that decision was very different. Even so, the crew and Shepard bounced back. Or at least on the outside. They had to be strong. Shepard had to be strong. The fight wasn't over. They could mourn the dead later when the galaxy had been saved.

Shepard lay in her quarters listening to music. Something old and slow that her mother would have liked. She tried focusing on getting better and not on all of the things she had to do once she was. The past few days Garrus had taken to visiting Shepard every night. He made a habit of staying until she had drifted off, knowing how hard it was for her to sleep. Tonight was no different. A light knock at the door let her know that Garrus has there, right on schedule.

"Shepard. How are you feeling? I'm not sure what this is, but Alan told me you'd like it." Garrus walked to her handing over a plate full of food.

"Oh, you know. I'm still standing, right?" Her voice cracked often and was weak.

She missed Ashley. Shepard had learned all about her family, and her personal history. She hated being alone because anytime she was, she'd imagine Ashley's sisters finding out the news… That their oldest sister would never be coming home. She looked at her plate of mashed potatoes, chicken and broccoli. Food was the last thing she wanted

Being alone with Garrus had been the only time she was allowed to feel anything. When she spoke to the crew, she had to be the pillar of strength. A shining example. Their leader. But with Garrus, she could talk about how it really felt to chose between the lives of two close friends.

Sitting there staring at her food, she thought back to the night after they returned from Virmire. Just two days ago, but it seemed like another lifetime before. Shepard really hasn't been doing well, she had lost a considerable amount of blood from the cuts. Luckily, there was no serious damage.

Everyone had been clamoring to see Shepard in the Med Bay when she came to a few hours later. Chakwas refused to let anyone in, and had sent anyone attempting away. Garrus had just about enough of this waiting. He saw what happened to her, how weak she was… How much blood she had lost. He needed too see her. He had to know she was okay. Before he could protest further they heard the mechanical buzzing behind Chakwas; revealing a very defeated Shepard. She stood heaved over in her hospital gown. The deep red of her hair was a mess, strung all over the place and laced with blood and ash.

Garrus checked her vitals as he scanned her body inspecting the damage. The first thing he saw was the deep dark purple that laced her neck between the bandages on either side. He noted a few cuts and bandages on her arms from weaker areas in her armor… Bruise after bruise decorating her pale skin. She had a black eye and her lip was busted… Garrus stared at her with his mouth hanging open, his mandibles loose to his face. Shepard looked into his eyes and he immediately pushed past Dr. Chakwas, wrapping his arms around her. Garrus held her head lightly in his hands pushing his face lightly into her neck. He could smell the blood and tears. The smell of the water and sand from Virmire.

Shepard stood there eyes closed holding him back. She couldn't speak, but she didn't need to. Garrus just held her tightly, she wouldn't dare move. Not only that, but he couldn't let her go, if he did she would be vulnerable again. Garrus had to protect her.

"Shepard… I must insist you get back into bed. You've lost a considerable amount of blood and you're barely stable as it is." Chakwas urged her after a moment touching her on the shoulder, she was still pressed into Garrus and Chakwas noticed the fury behind his eyes.

After another moment Garrus nodded seeing reason, leading Shepard back where she should be. He sat down on the bed, with his back to the wall. Shepard slowly inched closer to him, curling into his chest and neck. He ran his fingers through her hair, holding her tightly. There were so many things she wished she could say then, but even if she could find the words she didn't have the voice. She didn't have the courage.

That night now felt like years ago, but here she was only days later trying to pretend nothing happened. Shepard's neck was still a deep purple, and she could barely speak. Garrus watched her eying the food and wondered what she had been thinking that night after Virmire. They may have had a silent conversation then, but the words she wished to say still clung to the back of her throat. He watched as she tucked her hair behind her ear taking a bite of whatever mush was on her plate. After a moment of poking stuff around he watched her place the plate on the table.

"It's been hard to eat, ever since…" Shepard started but he shook his head and she knew she didn't have to finish.

He noticed this. She had hardly eaten since that day. Garrus didn't know how to help her though. He couldn't exactly force feed her could he? Well, at least not yet.

"Shepard, listen." Garrus moved to sit on the bed next to her.

"You can't save everyone. I know thats not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. You risk your life every day for the Council— for civilization. Doing the dirty work that they don't want to deal with. You've saved more lives than anyone in this damn galaxy, Shepard… Ashley was a good soldier, and she died with honor. She died knowing that all of this was bigger than she was. You heard her. She doesn't regret a damn thing, Shepard. This isn't your fault. If anyone is to blame, it's that bastard Saren. But not you, never you." Garrus' voice reverberated in a raspy purr comforting her.

"I know. That doesn't make it feel any better though. I still feel responsible. If I just could have done more…I should have done more." Shepard shook her head sinking her face into her hands.

"Damn it, Shepard. You are so damn stubborn, you know that don't you?" He pulled her attention to him. He knew there was no use in trying to make her admit that he was right- she didn't need to admit it. He knew that ultimately she saw what the cost of war was. She had to pay the price, and she would have to continue paying it.

Part of her did know he was right. She had been faced with an impossible decision. There had been no getting around this one. Shepard had no idea why she chose Kaidan over Ashley truthfully. Maybe it had been because he was with the nuke. Had their positions been reversed would she had saved Ashley instead? What if she had flat out said no when Kirrahe asked for one of them to accompany his team…

There was no use in thinking like that though, and she knew it. What was the point in fixating on 'what ifs' or possibilities. The reality of the situation was that she could only save one, and whatever her reason had been; she chose to save Kaidan.

Alenko was the only one that took Ashley's death worse that Shepard had, and rightfully so. He and Ashley were pretty close friends, and being the one chosen to live another day had left him with a serious case of survivors guilt. Kaidan felt like he was cursed to force people into life or death situations. The weight of this was heavy for him, and he grew worse after Virmire. He wasn't as good at controlling his actions or emotions as Shepard was.

It was almost as if Kaidan blamed Garrus for everything that had gone down on Virmire. Everyone had been angry and sad that Ashley had died… The night they returned to the Normandy after Virmire was tense. Garrus and Kaidan had both had been on high alert after narrowly missing the nuke's detonation range. Shepard was unconscious and had lost a lot of blood. Ashley was dead. Saren had escaped.

After Kaidan had found out that Chakwas permitted Garrus to stay with Shepard that night, he had a full blow melt down. Garrus wasn't sure why the biotic felt he had more of a right to see Shepard than he did, but it pissed him off. Shepard and Kaidan may have been friends but what he had with her was so much more. Had something gone on between them that he didn't know about? What Shepard did really wasn't his business… But he found it hard to believe that she could ever be with someone like Kaidan.

That night after Virmire, Kaidan went so far as tossing a chair at Garrus after their argument grew overly heated. Garrus almost lost control of himself, wanting to beat the piss out of him; to teach him a lesson. But he heard a voice in the back of his head urging him not to. Urging him to be a better man. So Garrus just left and allowed Kaidan to continue his temper tantrum alone.

Garrus was in better control of himself since he had met Shepard, somehow the chaos that threw everyone else into madness had somehow grounded him. He could see the recklessness on Lieutenant Alenko, and he felt for him. Garrus had been there. To Kaidan, Saren had killed Ashley and he had gotten away. To Kaidan, Garrus had been the one separating him from Shepard. And given their history of not quite seeing eye to eye, Garrus had been an easy target.

No matter how aggressive Kaidan would act towards Garrus these last few days, he held his composure. Not only for the biotics sake, but for his own and for Shepard's. He knew how important it was to her that he be a better man. After so long of her believing in him, he even began believing in himself. He watched himself turn into the man she knew he could be. Seeing that made dealing with Alenko easier. Regardless of how they felt about each other, Garrus could see it was his desperate cry for help.

Garrus' mind returned to Shepard where he sat with her on her bed. Her food had grown cold, and he knew she wouldn't be eating it. He put his long arm around her pulling her closely into his side. Shepard looked up at him, as he reach a taloned hand out towards her neck. Lightly he ran his thumb over the yellow and purple marks, over the crescent shaped scab held together with tiny stitching.

Those marks infuriated him. How hard he must have been squeezing her to have done this much damage. Humans were so fragile, and despite being full of strength Shepard was human. Garrus would make Saren pay for this… He felt that better man taking the back seat, allowing his old self full control. As if she could hear his thoughts growing dark, she shook her head.

"We can't kill him, Garrus. Not unless he gives us no other choice… He knows too much." Shepard looked up at him, trying to speak clear but her voice barely above a whisper.

"Shepard, come on. The Council protected him once, who's to say they won't do it again? If we have another chance at him, we can't let playing nice get in the way of stopping him. We can't give him a chance to escape. He can't get away with this, Shepard. He can't get away with hurting you. I won't let him." Garrus was speaking louder; a growl rumbling through him with each word.

Garrus felt himself growing increasingly frustrated. He had been so focused on keeping the husks off the bomb that day, that he didn't have her 6. She had been forced to face Saren alone and he had almost lost her because of it. Garrus hadn't been able to stop Saren from doing this to her… He hadn't been able to protect her.

"You couldn't have stopped this, you know that." She was shaking her head him. "And even if you could have— you can't let vengeance rule your life anymore, Garrus. You can't be a slave to your impulses. You're better than that." Shepard sighed out as best and as clearly as possible.

Shepard was weak, and there wasn't much more that she hated more than feeling hopeless. It reminded her of Mindoir… of the attack on her colony. How she hid while her family was slaughtered around her. While the batarian slavers set fire to her home, as she watched her life melt away around her. Weak and cowardly.

Garrus moved his hands to either side of her face, holding her gently. His face was only inches from her now. He lowered his brow and met hers, eyes closed. "I won't let him hurt you again, Shepard…" Garrus spoke and before he knew it he had kissed her.

The kiss was soft and long. He missed the way she felt so much, the taste of her. After a moment their mouths parted and they shared a look. They both knew that this didn't mean they'd be together. No, it wasn't time for that- if they ever were given a chance. This kiss had been given simply to remind each other why they were fighting. That if they did this, if they made it… They would have each other.

The following morning Shepard woke next to Garrus. They had fallen asleep in her cabin again. It was nice to actually get some rest, although she had to imagine he couldn't be very comfortable. Shepard couldn't wait any longer, this joining needed to happen now. She called a meeting shortly after waking and the crew assembled in their usual spots. Liara was eager to see what new information this beacon would give them… All their hard work and determination would pay off in just a few minutes. Liara approached Shepard and when she nodded, those familiar words slipped from Liara's lips.

"Embrace eternity!" Liara's eyes blacked out and the room spun into visions from the beacon.

Shepard was in the bright orange of her vision. Engulfed by the noises and screeching in her head, surrounding her. She saw the death, chaos and destruction again and felt that sickly worm like movement wiggling under her skin. No matter how many times she experienced this it always overwhelmed her. She always lost herself in the moments she was in the beacon.

Nothing ever changed though, she always saw the same thing. The same message she couldn't understand. Liara never really understood much either truthfully. But it was still really helpful to have someone who could at least see that there was a puzzle to be solved and knew where to look for the pieces. Moments later Shepard's vision faded back to the Normandy and she sway in place catching her balance. Garrus had already been standing behind her ready for anything. When she didn't falter, he relaxed a bit.

"By the Goddess…" Liara breathed raising her finger tips to touch her mouth lightly.

"What is it? What did you see, Liara?" Shepard asked urgently.

"It was… Well, it was a distress call. It was a message sent across the entire Prothean Empire— a warning, Shepard. Only, this warning came too late." Liara shook her head in disappointment.

"Was there anything about the Conduit? Anything we can use?" Shepard tried to remain calm but it was hard.

"I recognize some of the locations from my research…" Liara began to pace rubbing a blue finger on her forehead deep in thought. "Yes! Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos, Shepard! That is why Saren has been searching for the Mu Relay, it is the only way to reach the planet." Liara spoke excitedly.

"But if that beacon gave the location- why hasn't Saren gone to it? What's stopping them… Why aren't the Reapers here already." Shepard held her composure but Garrus knew her well enough to know she was stressing out.

"We have to get to Ilos."

"Forget it, Shepard. The Mu Relay is inside the Terminus System… Alliance ships aren't welcome there." Tali interjected.

"If the Conduit is on Ilos, Saren will be there. I don't know why he isn't there already… Hell, maybe he is. Maybe we're too late already." It was hard for her to speak but she tried her best. "So what if the Alliance isn't welcome there, Tali? Do you suggest we just give up because things stop being easy? Nothing this whole damn mission has been easy. We make do. We persevere." Shepard said with strength building in her raspy voice. Tali knew she was frustrated, and didn't mean anything by the tone she had taken.

"Well, we can't do it alone. If Saren isn't already there, he will be soon and he will be prepared. We will need reinforcements, Shepard." Garrus added over her shoulder.

"Garrus is correct. We must alert the Council, we will need the fleet t- Ohhh." Liara stopped dipping her head again. "I am sorry… You know how tiring the joining can be… I must rest." She finished and with a nod Shepard dismissed her.

"Joker. Get the Council on the line." Shepard let out lightly and left the room.

A brief chat let her know they needed her to report to them at once. They would need a full report on Virmire and her recent discovery. She complied and the Normandy reached the Citadel within the hour. The ride up to the Citadel Tower had been longer than she remembered. Shepard felt herself growing increasingly antsy. She could feel they were already on borrowed time. How had Saren not already reached Ilos, it couldn't be more than a few hours travel. Shepard had been resting for about 4 days. What had been going on… What were they planning?

The Council was relaxed of course, completely oblivious to the danger that approached them. To them Saren would be weaker without an army of krogan. With Saren's army destroyed and his plans out on the open for all of Council Space to know, they had pretty much beat him. Shepard knew how naive they were to think this way, but they had a point. Even if they were wrong about who that army actually served, they would be near unstoppable with the krogan. Having them gone was a win. The mission had been a success. But it was far from finished, the real battle was ahead of them.

Shepard tried explaining to the Council that Sovereign wasn't a ship. He was a Reaper. They almost laughed at her when she made these claims. They condescendingly questioned her. How could this ship be a TRUE AI? And a Reaper at that? It wasn't possible. The Reapers were a myth, and Saren was using them as a scare tactic. When Shepard pleaded with them to believe her, that Saren had even admitted it she was shot down. Obviously, he was playing her. Regardless of how they had felt about the Reapers, they had finally taken action against Saren. That was something.

"If Saren is foolish enough to attack the Citadel as you expect, we will be ready for him. There are patrols everywhere— he will not succeed if he attempts this attack, Commander." The asari Councilor spoke.

"Do you honestly think a few extra barricades are going to stop Saren? He is out there looking for the Conduit right now with Sovereign, what are you going to do about THAT?" Shepard asked forcefully, her voice still cracked with every word.

"You cannot be suggesting what I think you are, Commander. Ilos is in the middle of the Terminus System… Sending in a full fleet would enact a full blown war. Saren no longer has the benefit of secrecy on his side… He has been exposed. The time for discretion is now." The salarian Councilor replied smoothly back.

"You want discretion? I can be discrete. Send me. I can do this." Shepard tried being patient.

"You think detonating a nuclear bomb on Virmire is what we would call 'discrete'?" The turian Council finally spoke. Anytime he had ever opened his mouth it was to condescend Shepard or shut her down.

"The Commanders…. style has served her well in the past." The asari replied facing the turian Councilor, almost as if it was a challenge. After a moment she continued to speak, turning to face Shepard again. "We recognize that. But Ilos requires a deft touch, Shepard. We have the situation under control."

"Sovereign is the real threat here. Saren is just a pawn of the Reapers." Shepard was growing angrier with each raspy word that escaped her lips.

"Enough, Shepard. Only you and your crew have seen 'The Reapers'." Growled the turian Councilor using finger quotes at her. Oh how she hated finger quotes. "And even so— only in the form of visions, or a hologram as you say. We will not invade the Terminus systems over a bad dream."

"If Saren finds the Conduit, we are all screwed. Everyone you know will die. Do you understand how big this is? This isn't just some bad dream or hallucination. This is real and they are coming. We have to go to Ilos!" Shepard voice was raised as her heart pounded her ribcage. Her throat burned, she shouldn't be talking so much after her injury she knew this. But what choice did she have, they wouldn't believe her.

Garrus had a very hard time not speaking out during this conversation. It was maddening to see the Council behave this way. How could they continue denying what was coming for them? How could they not trust Shepard or her abilities by now. She had been out there doing everything they didn't want to for the last 3 and a half months, but they wouldn't trust her now.

"Ambassador Udina, I get the sense that Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go." The Councilors tone was even more condescending than usual.

"You have done a great deal for humanity, Shepard. We have made great strides under you… But you are proving to be more trouble than you're worth." Udina voice was patronizing.

"You bastard!" Garrus' composure finally broke, he couldn't handle it anymore. He had let this charade go on far too long. "You're selling us out. After everything that she's done for you, you pompous ass. Not a single one of you could have done what Shepard has. You'd all have been dead already if not for her." His words echoed like a growl, and his gaze like a hawk steady on the Ambassador.

Shepard had intercepted, placing herself between Garrus and his target. She stood tall and straight looking up at him. They both were breathing heavily in sync. With smallest shake of her head, she urged him to stand down before he would do something he'd regret. After a moment Garrus turned swiftly moving to stand by Wrex. Udina quickly wiped the fear from his face and replaced it with arrogance. He scoffed at Garrus straightening his suit.

"It's just politics, Commander. You've done your job. Now let me do mine… The Normandy is grounded. We've locked out all primary systems until further notice." Udina wasn't looking at her when he spoke this time.

"This has to be a fucking joke. You have no idea what you're doing, Udina. You're going to be responsible for every life lost because of this." Shepard stepped closer to him finger pointed in his face.

Shepard's voice was quiet enough that the Council wouldn't hear. She meant what she said. They had locked her down… now one would be able to stop Saren. He would find the Conduit and the Reapers would continue their cycle. All life as they knew it would cease to exist…

"You are no longer needed, Commander. The Council can handle it from here." Udina voice radiated with smugness, it took all of Shepard's control not to knock him out.

Anger filled her every fiber, boiling under her skin. She could see this was a battle she wouldn't win with violence though. Throwing Udina another look of disgust Shepard turned leading her crew to the elevator. What could she do now? They never should have listened when the Council requested a full debriefing in person. They should have just gone straight to Ilos alone… took their chances. This was what the Council had been up to. They laid a trap. One she walked straight into, and now she was stuck with a ship she couldn't fly and her borrowed time was running out.

Shepard went swiftly to her cabin upon arriving back on the Normandy. Garrus had been following closely behind watching her carefully. He noted how fast her heart was racing in his visor. Smelling the metallic of her blood, no doubt she had bitten her lip too hard in frustration. The second the mechanical buzzing closed behind him, she kicked her desk with such force it sent her half assembled model flying in every direction. Shepard set a hand on her hip pulling the other over her mouth, licking the blood that had formed. She began pacing the room lost in thought. Garrus just stood in the door way watching her, not saying a word.

After a few minutes she let out a long sign and sat forcefully on the edge of her bed. She leaned her forehead into her hands looking down at her feet. After a moment Garrus walked over carefully kneeling beside her. Reaching one of his long taloned hands out pulling her from her thoughts of failure. His hand felt warm on her face and she leaned into it closing her eyes.

"It's not over, Shepard." Garrus' voice was a soft purr, hearing him speak she felt her anger subsiding. "I meant what I said in there. No one could have done what you did. No one. And for them to just toss you aside like you were nothing. Like the last 4 months doing everything they didn't want to meant nothing." Garrus removed his hand from her face, sliding it to his own.

"I almost lost it in there, Shepard…" He looked down at his feet thinking about how bad his temper could be.

"But you didn't." Shepard's voice was a whisper, pulling his attention back to her face. "There's nothing to be done about it now, Garrus. It's done. We can't keep fixating on what might have happened." She had said this mostly for herself… For Ashley.

"We need to focus on what is happening instead. If Saren gets to that Conduit, they're all going to die. We're all going to die." Shepard hung her head in defeat, the gravity of it all was hitting her hard.

"Then we won't let him get to it. If we give up now the whole galaxy is doomed, Shepard." Garrus said flatly.

"We're not giving up, Garrus. We will find a way." She looked back to him with strength in her eyes and voice. "I told you, we're gonna get this son of a bitch."

They had been grounded for 12 hours. Shepard had been miserably failing at keeping busy. Garrus provided much needed distraction most of that time, but he wasn't even enough to keep her mind still. When Joker chimed in over the coms with news Shepard almost exploded with excitement. It may have been very late in the evening, but Shepard was to meet Anderson at Flux nightclub immediately. Shepard hoped that he had something for her. She quickly ran down to Engineering and once the elevator landed she yelled from the chamber, holding the doors open with a foot.

"Vakarian. Wrex. Suit up, we're going to Flux." Shepard called out to them already in her albatic ceramic armor with the N7 stripe down the right.

"You want us to suit up to go to a night club, Shepard. Did the dress code change since last time we were there?" Garrus asked with a purr making his way to his locker.

Wrex hadn't questioned, only making a small grunt and proceeding to armor up. He was always eager to get off the ship to shoot something. Although the chances of a fight in the Citadel were very low, he was still hopeful.

"Would you rather black tie, Garrus? I bet you look real good in a suit." Shepard smiled at him as she crossed her arms sinking into her hip.

He just raised his hands defensively doing as she requested. It only took them a moment but they were suited and making their way to the exit. Before leaving the Normandy Shepard spoke over com to Joker.

"Joker. I have a feeling somethings up. Be ready for anything."

"You got it, Commander." Joker replied, no jokes this time.

They arrived at Flux soon after and found Anderson sitting at a table by the bar. Shepard found herself looking towards the bar where Garrus had been that night with that turian… She found herself replaying that night in the moments as she walked to Anderson. When they had been together on the Docking Bay… Throwing Garrus a look, the one he returned proved he had been thinking about that night as well.

"Anderson." Shepard smiled sitting down across from him, Garrus and Wrex stood behind her.

"I'm glad you came, Shepard. I heard what happened…" Anderson started taking a drink from his glass.

"Yup. We're grounded." She leaned back resting her elbow on the back of the chair with a sigh.

"I know. I tried to warn you, but it was too late. Listen, Shepard. I know you're pissed off right now— and rightfully so. But you can't give up. They all may think this is over, but we both know that isn't true. You have to get to Ilos, you have to stop Saren from getting that Conduit."

"You think I don't realize that, Anderson? I know what's at stake here. But there is only one ship that can get me there, and she's grounded."

"Ambassador Udina was the one to order the lockdown, if we can override his orders we can get the Normandy back online. We can get you in the Terminus System before anyone even notices you're gone." Anderson offered taking a sip from his glass slowly.

"If we do this, you're going be the one left holding the bag, Anderson." Shepard shook her head at him in protest.

"Yeah well, if Saren gets to that Conduit then all life as we know it will be over. The Reapers will destroy everyone, Shepard. You're our only hope. So, yeah. I will do whatever it takes to get you and the Normandy out of here." The look he gave her was full of admiration and she felt herself straightening in her chair. "I think our best bet would be to go to Udina's personal computer where the order had been placed and redact it…" He was thinking, swirling the amber liquid in smooth circles.

"Anderson, If you do this Udina will have you charged with treason. There is no going back." Garrus added lightly from behind Shepard.

Shepard looked at Anderson knowing this was it. If he succeeded they'd be off an a suicide mission and he'd be left dealing with a capitol offense. She hated the idea, but she knew it was the only way. The alternative of doing nothing would be catastrophically worse.

"Alright, Anderson. You be careful, Sir. Let's do this." Shepard stood shaking Anderson's hand firmly.

They shared a look, maybe it was a goodbye. Anderson nodded at her, wishing her luck one last time before they parted. On the ride back to the Normandy she thought fondly of Anderson. He had been one of the first Alliance officials she had met. After the raid on Mindoir, Shepard had been found hiding by Anderson's ground team. She had been too young to enlist at that time, but he offered to take her off planet to an Alliance compound where she could live and be taken care of. Shepard had declined, she wasn't ready to leave her life on Mindoir, and he couldn't exactly force her to join them. Although thinking back she wish she would have gone with him.

No matter how she got there, Shepard still ended up joining the Alliance two years later. Anderson had been one of the first people she worked under after enlisting. Over the years he seemed to fill the place of a father. She didn't really realize she thought of him that way until her cab ride to the Normandy. Until she realized how unconditionally he trusted her and her abilities. Anderson believed her since the very beginning… He had always believed in her, and she wasn't about to let him down. If he would sacrifice himself, so would she.

Shepard paced the Normandy cockpit staring at the HUD. Joker had been watching intently ready to leave in a moments notice, the second the lockdown had been lifted. Garrus stood to the side of the door watching as usual. A few minutes later, the lockdown had been lifted and they quickly left the Citadel. Shepard wondered how everything went, but clearly Anderson had made it because here they were— on their way to Ilos.

The trip had only taken about 6 hours, and each minute that passed was harder than the last. Shepard could feel that their time was almost up. If they had only found this out sooner they could have been there, could have solved this problem. Now she felt like they would be relying on pure luck.

Having the stealthiest ship in the galaxy made their arrival fairly secretive. They had expected to see Saren's army, but seeing how large his fleet actually was made the reality much more prevalent. There were dozens of geth ships surrounding Ilos. Even though the Normandy hadn't been spotted yet, there was a problem— there was no space to land safely before they'd be detected.

Yes, they had the most advance ship in the Council space, but it didn't matter because at some point they would be seen. They had one chance to get this landing right. Once they reached a certain altitude level, the geth and Saren be alerted. They'd be forced into a fight.

A stir of commotion echoed the cockpit as Liara, Kaidan and Presley began speaking at once. The nearest landing zone was two clicks away. Two clicks too far away… They needed something closer. Clamoring to find a solution, they settled on a rather ridiculous move; they would drop in the Mako above their primary target… Joker could do this. No one was comfortable with this and many spoke out in protest, but Shepard knew he could. With a reassuring look they attempted their landing.

It hadn't been easy, but they had made it down to the surface of Ilos. The Normandy had successfully made a trip that was deemed impossible. Suicide. Shepard made a career out of doing the impossible and this time was no different. Their descent hadn't been a secret though as they expected and they were met with heavy resistance immediately upon touching ground. After the initial geth troops had been dealt with Shepard was free to examine the Protean ruins with Liara and Garrus.

Shepard thought it would be best to bring Liara given her knowledge on the Protheans. She figured Liara might kill her had she gone down there without her. Well, if she made it back up to the Normandy afterward that is.

The ruins were gorgeous. The architecture was unlike anything any of them had seen before. The ruins were tall, pale, with long geometric lines scaling the buildings. Everything had been overrun with native plant life and trees the sizes of skyscrapers. 50,000 years really did a number on Ilos. It was fascinating. But they didn't have long to enjoy it, the deeper they got into the city the more resistance they were met with. Geth after geth tried to stop them, but finally they were able to get the Mako through the main compound. This was for sure where Saren would be… The troops had been trying far too hard to keep them out for that not to be true.

Upon driving through they had been met with no resistance. Garrus had been driving the Mako this time, as Shepard and Liara examined the walls. They seemed to go up forever. They were lined with pods of some sort, no doubt where the Protheans had tried retreating during the invasion. After a few minutes of driving they were met with a tall blue barrier blocking them from going any further. They had no choice but to exit the Mako to explore their surroundings.

They found an elevator, with no other options they took it down. It lead them to a large open room, the walls were made of stone and lined with the same markings as the ruins. There were several life support pods sticking from the narrow walls. Those large trees from the surface broke through filling the space around them. Down a long catwalk was a VI terminal. Shepard looked back at Garrus, approaching it.

With a light red flicker, a static figure pulsed in front of them. The VI was called Virgil, and it was badly damaged. You could barely make out the figure that it should be under the waves of flickering red energy.

"I do not sense the taint of indoctrination on any of you. Unlike the other that has passed recently. Perhaps there is still hope." Virgil ended.

"It said 'recently', Shepard. Maybe we aren't too late." Garrus voice was excited, hopeful even.

Liara and Garrus wondered how they could understand the VI. It was obviously Shepard had been given the ability due to her cipher, but that didn't explain why Liara or Garrus could understand it now. Virgil told them he had been watching them since their arrival. Observing and it had learned their language. It was incredible. Virgil explained what he was, who created him and that they were in a research facility. When Shepard questioned why the Protheans brought her to Ilos, Virgil explained that the cycle had been going on for millions of years.

"You must understand in order to stop this. The Citadel is the heart of your civilization and the seat of your government. As it was with the Protheans, and every civilization that came before us. But the Citadel is a trap. It is actually an enormous mass relay that links to dark space. The space is an empty void beyond the galaxy's horizon. Once the Citadel's relay is activated, the Reapers will pour through. Life as you know it will be destroyed." Virgil's monotone boomed at them.

She couldn't believe this. Any of this.

Virgil had told them that the Keepers were likely one of the first to be harvested by the Reapers millions and millions of years ago… They had originally been placed there by the Reapers to help repair and usher the next group in the right direction. But over time, the Keepers had been altered to work only with the Citadel not against it. They were no longer under Reaper control.

Shepard knew what all of this meant. This meant that the Reapers had a backdoor into the Citadel. They could take out everything, and everyone with one single surprise attack. This was how the Protheans met their end. How every civilization before now had met their ends…. The Citadel. The heart and soul of the galaxy, would be the very thing bring about their destruction. The Reapers would come through the one place no one would expect. In the previous cycle, it was the center of Prothean civilization and with its fall it was only a matter of time before everything else fell after.

Eventually they lost control of communications, and transportation was crippled. Each planet and system was isolated— cut off from the rest of the galaxy. It took decades, but the Reapers systematically obliterated the Protheans. Almost no one survived, the Reapers had everything they needed in the archives of the Citadel. They enslaved or decimated everyone. The Reapers only retreated back to dark space once they had destroyed all advanced civilization; taking all resources, evidence and technology with them.

"Tell me what I need to do." Shepard felt the weight of his words, but wasn't ready to give up. Not yet. They still had hope.

"The Conduit is the key. Before the Reapers attacked, we Protheans were on the cusp of discovering the mysteries of the technology behind the mass relays. We brought you here, because this was a top secret facility. The researchers here had created a small scale version of a mass replay. This relay connected directly to the Citadel: the hub of the relay network." Virgil's cool voice finished.

"The Conduit isn't a weapon… It's a relay. It's how Saren gets to the Citadel." She was shaking her head.

If this had been true, why hadn't they gone through it sooner? Why hadn't Saren already attacked the Citadel and started this cycle in full? She couldn't understand but she didn't have the time to worry about it. He hadn't yet and that is what really mattered. They still had time. They could stop this.

Shepard wondered how the facility had remained hidden during the invasion, how was this possible. Virgil informed them that the facility records had been destroyed once the Reapers hit the Citadel and all official records had been destroyed. The empire was falling, but Ilos would be safe. Once communications went dark, the facility went underground into these very archives for cryogenic stasis.

Virgil's job had been to monitor the Reaper threat, and once it had been neutralized he was to wake the facility. Only, the invasion took centuries. With Virgils energy reserves dwindling part of his programing allowed the shutting down the life support pods of non essential personal. It was crucial that if anyone were to survive, that it be the top scientist.

It may have been monstrous like Liara mentioned, but it had been necessary. It was terrible, but the VI had only done what it was programmed to do. Shepard could see what the Protheans saw as a possibility had been reality. They were prepared to do whatever it took. Shepard didn't like it but she respected it. She understood it. The courage it would take someone to install those perimeters… It was the cost of war. Virgil was right, his actions were the only reason there was any hope left. After waking the remaining scientists, they soon realized that there was only one option. Seeing the impossibility of sustaining the Protheans, their only choice was to do everything possible to ensure the success of the next cycle.

In the past before the Keepers had been altered to no longer respond to the Reapers, they had been programmed to react to a signal. The signal would compel the Keepers to open the relay within the Citadel. This was the key, and what the remaining Protheans spent the rest of their lives figuring out. They used the Conduit to access the Citadel making the necessary alterations. It is because of those scientists that the Keepers no longer responded to the signal that the Reapers put out. They respond to the Citadel only. This cycle when Sovereign sent the signal it was ignored. It was because of this that the Reapers were still trapped in dark space.

It was all making sense. Saren needed the Conduit so he could gain control of the Citadel. He was only needed because Sovereign failed at bringing the Reapers earlier. After Saren entered the Citadel, he would hand over control of the station to Sovereign allowing him to open the relay starting the cycle as was destined.

Shepard shook her head and scratching her forehead with a hand. She signed looking back to Garrus.

"What can we do?" She asked the VI urgency filling her weak voice.

"There is a data file in my console. Take a copy of it with you, and once you reach the Citadels master control unit— upload it to the station. This will corrupt the Citadel's security measures and give you temporary control of the station. It might give you a chance against Sovereign." The cool slow tone of Virgil automated around them. "Go through the Conduit. Follow Saren. He will lead you to your destination."

"Saren has enough of a head start, Shepard." Garrus whispered softly touching her elbow.

"You're right. Grab that data file would you?" Shepard nodded to him giving him a small hopeful smile.

"The one you call Saren has not gone through the Conduit. Not yet. There is still hope if you hurry." The Vi spoke once more and hope filled the team.

Shepard looked to Garrus giving him a real smile this time. His smile. He hadn't seen such hope in her eyes in months. With a nod they turned running back towards the elevator and the Mako. The shield had been lifted. It was time to get to that Conduit. It was time to stop Saren once and for all.

She wondered how Saren had been there but not made it through the relay yet— how was it possible that they still had time here… Driving as fast as she could through the tunnels of the facility they ran down several geth stationed along the way. After a few minutes they saw what they had been looking for.

The Conduit. A small scale mass relay. It was at the bottom of a long hill, between them and the Conduit were hundreds of geth. Dozens of armatures. The relay was activated in front of them, spinning with force. Mass effect fields pulsating around it in a bright blue-white. They could see that it wouldn't be easy, but they had to make a run for it. Shepard looked to her right locking eyes with Garrus. After she swallowed, she turned her face forward flooring it.

They drove faster than the Mako had ever gone before, jumping with each mechanical body they ran over. Shepard struggled but held control of the vehicle not slowing down for anything. Bullet after bullet piled into the Mako. The shields were failing, but they were so close. They had to make it. She struggled as Garrus typed away on the command center attempting to reroute power, anything to their shields. They just needed a little bit longer…

Swerving to miss a large armature, the Mako sped up the ramp and into the relay with mere seconds to spare. The relay sent them shooting at full speed popping them out in the Citadel with a large crash. Shepard kicked open the Mako door, reaching an arm down to pull Garrus then Liara out. A quick patch up of medi-gel gave them what they needed to get this fight done.

The destruction to the Citadel was immense. Fires spread, bodies lay decorating the floors of the presidium. Shepard shook her head and gestured for the team to move forward. There had been Reaper spikes lining the walkways, she noticed the bodies impaled on them. Fighting her way though the newly created husks they headed for the tower following the destruction. The fight wasn't easy but they persisted.

Even so, they were too late. They felt the rumbling of the arms of the Citadel closing— but not before Sovereign slipped in. The Reaper descended to the tower linking itself around the top. His enormous legs, slammed into the tower locking it in place sending the structure shaking. Shepard's squad saw this coming, and felt the rumbling of the tower. Gravity emulators had been disrupted and they would have to reply on their mag boots to get them anywhere from this point on. Seeing it as the only solution they broke a window jumping out. The magnetic fields of their boots sticking to the normally vertical walls of the Citadel tower.

Getting used to the change in gravity always felt weird at first, she could feel the rush as her brain and body adjusted to the vertigo. Having done this so many times she adjusted quickly, proceeding towards the gigantic Reaper ahead of them. The size of the thing was incomprehensible, at least 2 km. How could they kill this thing… No. She couldn't afford to think that way. Stay focused.

Refusing to look at the enormous tentacle like legs moving around them, she used her energy instead on the hordes of geth and remaining krogan. One after one they fell, floating in the zero gravity atmosphere as they pressed on. After what seemed like an eternity of fighting they reached a vent they could use to enter the top of tower. The inside of the tower looked just as bad as the rest of the Citadel. Fires were warm against their armor, faces specked with sweat.

Shepard ran up the stairs seeing Saren interacting with a console. She silently signaled her squad to take cover on either side of her, and on three they all went in guns raised at Saren. This was it. Everything they had been working towards. All the pain, all the death, all the suffering… It all came down to this fight.

And Shepard was not about to lose.


	7. True love never did run Smooth

CH 7

The course of true love never did run Smooth

Shepard couldn't believe it was finally time to end all of this. To end Saren. To stop the Reapers. Everything that she'd done so far, everything she had sacrificed— it was all so she could make it here. So she could stop them. Shepard knew what was at stake. She knew she likely wouldn't make it out of this fight alive. But she had to do whatever she could to win this battle. The entire fate of the galaxy rested in her hands. For the first time the weight didn't seem like a burden, but a blessing.

"I was afraid you wouldn't make it in time, Shepard." Saren taunted her. He scoffed throwing a grenade at them, sending them all flying back into cover.

"In time for what!" Shepard yelled back over her shoulder as loud as she could.

"In time for the final confrontation of course. I had a feeling it would play out this way… I think we both expected it would. You've lost, you know that don't you? In a few minutes Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel's systems, the relay will open and the Reapers will return. It's over, Shepard." Saren was almost laughing.

"I still have a few tricks up my sleeves, Saren." Shepard growled back to him voice as strong as she could muster, she could see Garrus was staring at her.

 _Please don't do anything stupid, Shepard…_

"You may have survived our encounter on Virmire. But you won't survive this. I have changed since then. I am improved… Sovereign has… upgraded me. Made me stronger." Saren's voice was deep.

"You let Sovereign implant you? Are you completely insane?" She yelled back to him over the sounds of the tower aching from the destruction.

"You don't understand, Shepard. There is a place for the organics in the new order… The Reapers need people like us. People like _you_. You have impressed Sovereign. Surrender now to him and you will be spared. Join us, Shepard… There is a place for you amongst us."

"You can't seriously believe that, Saren. Sovereign is controlling you through your implants! Can't you see that?"

"The relationship is symbiotic. Organic and machine intertwined, a union of flesh and steel. The strengths of both, the weaknesses of neither. I am the future, Shepard. I am the evolution of all organic life. This is our destiny, join Sovereign and experience our true rebirth!" Saren's voice was growing louder and more powerful.

"Sovereign hasn't won yet, Saren. Step aside and let me fix this. Let me stop this invasion before it's too late!" Shepard pleaded with him still ducking behind cover. Still noticing Garrus watching her closely.

"Oh, Shepard!" Saren yelled out raising his hands to his head. "We can't stop it! Not forever… You saw the visions. You saw what happened to the Protheans… The Reapers are too powerful…" He lowered his hands looking downward.

 _He's still in there. I can still save him._

"Saren, I know some part of you must realize this is wrong! You can fight this!" Shepard was full of urgency… Full of hope.

"Maybe… you're right. Maybe there is still a chance for— uhg!" Saren grabbed either side of his head in pain, heaving over. "The implants… Sovereign's control is too strong. I'm sorry, Shepard. It's too late for me." His voice was growing weak and defeated.

Garrus saw the look in her eyes as she rolled from cover to face Saren head on. Before he could protest she was out of sight, gun lowered to her side staring Saren in the face. He couldn't believe she was going to try this again. The last time she almost had been killed. How could she be so reckless?

"No. It's not too late, Saren. You can still redeem yourself! You're still in there. I know you are."

"Thank you, Shepard." Saren spoke lighting his head after a moment. "Goodbye." Left his lips as he raised his gun to his head pulling the trigger.

Saren's lifeless body fell to the side sliding off the catwalk and falling through the glass into a garden below them. Shepard stood there looking at the place he had just been. The second the bullet went off Garrus had leapt from cover rushing to her side. They didn't have time to react to what had happened, they had to move. She rushed forward towards the console inserting the data Virgil provided.

It worked. That damn data actually worked and she had control of all the Citadel's systems. Just when she thought this was close to over the clatter of the coms sunk her heart. The Destiny Ascension was falling, their shields were at 40%. Not only did they have the Council on board, but the lives of 10,000 others. Before she could process Joker replied to her destress call. He and the entire fleet were ready to react. But to what? Liara pleaded for Shepard to save the Council, and Garrus offered no word of advice. Just his cool gaze looking at her.

Should she send them towards the Destiny to save the Council and countless alien lives? Should she focus fully on Sovereign and say fuck the Council?

The decision wouldn't be easy but it was one she had to make alone. Like back on Virmire. Sometimes you just have to make a choice between two shitty decisions. Shepard realized then that she would always have to make this decision. She would always be the one to choose. No one else could do it. No one else wanted to do it.

Joker asked again more forcefully over the com. They needed orders. They needed them now.

"I'm opening the arms now, Joker. We need to save the Ascension… No matter what the cost." She knew how many human lives would be lost in the process. But this was one of those choices. Sacrifice the few, to save the many. Seeing the bigger picture: this war was bigger than humanity. This war involved the entire galaxy. They needed the Council alive.

Garrus closed the space between them extending an arm to her shoulder. But before he could speak the building began shaking. All around them red beams of bright electricity shot out and into Saren's lifeless corpse below them. They were knocked off the catwalk and into the garden. Saren's body pulsed with red light and small screams of discomfort echoed around them. Screams of agony. Saren's body stood, only it wasn't Saren anymore. It was something else entirely.

The turian he used to be was no more, and the figure in front of them was purely mechanical. There was nothing organic left about him— he was a machine. A tool.

"I am Sovereign. And this station is mine." The voice was a mix of mechanical like on Virmire, and Saren's own. The robotic figure loomed over them, red electricity circling it.

The fight had been hard. Worse than anything else they had to face before. The hybrid that they fought had abilities they had never seen. Sovereign would shoot fiery, red beams of electricity at them. If they weren't careful it would burn straight through their suits, immediately disabling their shields. Not only that, but Sovereign made it very difficult to get any damage on him, jumping from place to place. They could feel the fleet around them attempting to weaken Sovereign as they fought his puppet. And after what seemed like hours Saren's body felt to the floor in a loud thud, bursting into a red flame disintegrating.

Something had happened in that moment, she heard Hackett over com yelling. Sovereign was vulnerable— he looked like he was falling. His shields were down, something… The Fleet had to attack now and they had to make it count.

They felt the shockwave from the explosion. Sovereigns body was bursting into a million pieces. The Alliance Fleet had done it. They had destroyed him. But not without a hitch, the energy wave from the blast had sent rubble and pieces of Sovereign everywhere. Shepard's squad couldn't be missed as the top half of the Citadel was crumbling to dust around them. The three of them attempted to escape, running wildly towards the exit. Shepard thought back to earlier in the day to the moment she surrendered to the possibility of death…

Shepard woke a few hours later in the Normandy Med Bay, with no memory of how she got there. Opening her eyes slowly, the room was far too bright. She couldn't make anything out. There was a ringing in her ears and her mouth was dry. She blinked several times, as the ringing stopped she tried focusing on her surroundings. Shepard looked to her right seeing Garrus sitting, head rested on his arm. He was sound asleep. He looked so peaceful sleeping there. She could watch him do this for hours.

Almost as if he could feel her waking, he opened an eye seeing her. Shepard was laying on her side, looking at him with a big smile on her face. She had cuts and bruises on her hands arms and face. Somehow this time she managed to make it out with nothing worse than a dislocated shoulder and some flesh wounds.

"Shepard." Garrus purred at her sliding from his chair to his knees in front of her.

"I'm okay, big guy. I'm hard to kill, you should know that." Shepard smiled extending a hand to meet his face. "I told you, Garrus. We would get that son of a bitch."

Garrus closed his hand around hers, leaning his face into it. Garrus placed a small kiss on the inside of her palm, holding it to his mouth for a moment. They had done it. She was alive. What would they do now? It was hard to see life after this mission, but he hoped Shepard would be there.

It had been nearly two weeks since the attack on the Citadel, and Shepard was getting used to her new found fame. The Hero of the Citadel wasn't about to take all the glory, though. She had taken down Saren, the geth and Sovereign; but she didn't do it alone. Anytime Shepard was interviewed she made sure to drop the names of her crew. How the Alliance was proud to be on the front line fighting Saren and Sovereign. Of all the lives lost during their battle.

Knowing she wasn't alone didn't change the fact that she was the poster child for humanity. Shepard's modesty made her even more lovable. Her actions and selflessness was what had made her a true hero. Her record was perfect before, but she seemed even more revered now.

Humanity was even granted a place on the Council due to her commitment to saving them during the attack. Shepard's decision proved that humanity was ready in their eyes. The Council also seemed to be taking her warnings seriously and were getting ready to send her on a serious of recon missions. She was to clean up the rest of Saren's army, mainly clusters of geth in the outer reaches of the systems. Shepard would leave in a couple more weeks with her remaining crew, and Garrus would head back to C-Sec…

No, the time for them be together wasn't now. They could pretend for the last few weeks though and they really did pretend. They'd watch each others favorite vids, or spend time shooting at Pinnacle Station. They'd even run some random routine pick ups together for old times sake. Once each night rolled around, Garrus would be in her quarters. Nothing ever happened though, not with Garrus' Spectre training coming up. Not with Shepard's missions- they knew they shouldn't. He wanted to go with her… But she wouldn't let him. Once she found out that he had been selected for Spectre training again, how could she ask him to join her any longer?

Shepard knew how badly he had once wanted that. She would have been scared to see the man she once met in the Tower all those months ago as a Spectre. Ruthless, idealistic and dangerous. Shepard knew though that he was different. The man he was now, would never risk the lives of an innocent to get what he wanted. The man he was now, would make an excellent Spectre. The right kind of Spectre. And she wanted that for him, she wanted him to be happy over all else. Even if that meant letting him go. Even if that meant never seeing him again.

When it came time to say goodbye on the Docking Bay there was a dark heaviness in her chest. Shepard could see he felt it too. This would be the first time they had been apart for more than a day or two since they had met. She had grown so used to always having him on her 6, it felt wrong thinking of him being alone. Without her.

Garrus didn't like it, but she had a point. This was what he needed. This was an opportunity. Later, when he was finished they could roam the traverse again. They could…

They stood a few feet away from each other not saying a word. They both had so much they wanted to get out, but nothing left their mouths. Shepard found herself growing anxious and felt her palms begin to sweat. This was it. This was goodbye. Not forever… just… temporary. Right? For some reason she felt like was going to be the last…

Shepard began to speak but he grabbed the back of her neck lightly pulling her to his mouth. Garrus kissed her hard, tasting her lips. Feeing the softness of her tongue against his. The smell of her skin and hair.

Lavender.

Pulling her close he breathed her in one more time. He didn't want to forget this. Garrus knew this wouldn't be the last time he saw her. But knowing that she would come back didn't make leaving her any easier. He had this unexplainable feeling deep in his gut that told him never to let her go… That if he did, he wouldn't see her stood there foreheads touching for a moment, both thinking the same thing…

Garrus moved his moth to her forehead kissing it one last time. When his feelings became too unbearable he released her, turning and entering the elevator.

"I'll be seeing you, Vakarian." Garrus heard her say as the doors closed and she disappeared from vision.

They both had a very clear path lined out in front of them… One that didn't include the other. Not yet anyway. As much as they cared for each other, as much as they wanted to try it. They knew it wouldn't work.

Not then. Not yet.

 _One day…_


End file.
